Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

[Cum_Luver]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

[Cum_Luver]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down.
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Rexona]

Thanks for all the funny jokes bors.

[beary]

Originally Posted by BaliHai

h


The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

Nice one bro , up you with my 8 bear food .

[soundlab]

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had
held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In
fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down
the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
‘I can't stand it anymore,’ she told him. ‘Let's play a game. For
every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one
piece of clothing’.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH
mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it
was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he
ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His
girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free
but alas he was stuck. ‘Go to the road and get help,’ he said. ‘I
don't have anything to cover myself with!’ she replied. The man felt
around, but could only reach one of his shoes. ‘You'll have to put
this between your legs to cover it up,’ he told her. So she did as he
said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story. ‘My boyfriend! My boyfriend!’
she sobs, ‘He's stuck and I can't pull him out!’
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,
‘Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!’

[soundlab]

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
‘How come you are sweating?’ he asks.
The parrot replies, ‘Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a
frozen chicken?’

[soundlab]

Nicole, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Nicole, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today.’
‘I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
barn.’
‘You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door.
Nicole takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells
him, ‘This is the one...right here.’
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
dizzy blonde, the man asks, ‘Tell me lady, how did you know this is
the cow to be bred?’
‘That's simple. By the nail over its stall’ Nicole explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, ‘What's the nail for?’
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ‘I guess
it's to hang your pants on.’

[soundlab]

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy
with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

[soundlab]

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date
he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his
manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and
wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her
to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to
watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses
himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses
himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what
he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and
exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things! "

[soundlab]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’
The man said ‘No’, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’
The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, ‘Have you
ever been fucked?’
The fellow said ‘No.’
She said, ‘Well you will be soon, the tide's coming in.’

[soundlab]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me
to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the
night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet
cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market. "
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
for me. "

[soundlab]

Two old guys are sitting in a bar when the first one says, ‘Ya know,
when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using
both hands.’
‘By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried
really hard.’
‘By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no
problem.’
‘I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just
one hand.’
‘So,’ says his buddy, ‘what's your point?’
‘Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.’

[Lionel Messi]

The Diet


BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge

DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.

[Lionel Messi]

Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"