Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[tcss-moderator]

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

[tcss-moderator]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[tcss-moderator]

A woman walks into a bar wearing a short mini skirt and orders a Coors, the bar tender gives her the beer, she drinks it as fast as possible and passes out falls off the bar stool, legs wide open and the 5 guys in the bar all have there turn with her until she wakes up and walks out. the next day the same thing happens only there were 5 more guys and they all did what they wanted with her when she passed out till she woke up and left. The next day she walks into the bar and there's at least 20 guys, so she goes to the bar tender who is waiting with her Coors and she says "I'll have a Bud" and the bar tender says I though you drank Coors. she says I did but that damn Coors makes my pussy hurt.

[Lionel Messi]

thank you...gracias all for sharing such good stuff here.

[BaliHai]

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

[BaliHai]

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."


****

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The husband thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

[BaliHai]

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills of Northern New York.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

[BaliHai]

A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already on the lower bunk. So he and his girlfriend climbed into the top bunk.

As you expected, things began to heat up. The guy remembers that his brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "Lettuce" if she wants it harder and “Tomato if she wants a new position.

She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

[BaliHai]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....


1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6. You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[BaliHai]

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.

In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.

They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.

"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"

"Very well," replied the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."

The mute does as instructed, and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he 'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.

The mute jumped from the table, screaming,

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

[BaliHai]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

[BaliHai]

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

"So?" says the inquisitive friend.

"So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!"

[ang076]

Sex is a good form of exercise , contrary to claims that it is of very unhealthy nature.

It can be healthy provided that there are protective measures.

Sex exercise our body and mind.

At Health Centre, we are trained to estimate the height and weight , VS (vital statistics) of the instructor( a masseue).

During massage, she strengthen our bodies by massaging your back, shoulder , head, legs.

Hand training- you exercise your hands by hugging her from behind when her back is facing you.. You do palm-pressing.. (you are squeezing her breasts simulationeously)

Next, you do finger exercise by circling your fingers around her pussy,.. and do fingering in and out..

Then she measure your body resistance and strength by licking your nipples and any form of catbath, she will pull your cock simulationeously..

Cock exercises came in various form..

She suck your cock in the form of BBBJ / BJ is to test your mental resistance power against early cumming..

Next stage, 'push-up' - you are doing missionary on her where you pounding against her..

Push -up with palm pressing - You are doing doggie on her and your hands pressing her boobs non-stop

Sit up- She on top of you, she use pussy to pound you down and you thrust your cock upwards ..

Sit -up with palm pressing - You do sit up , and squeezing her boobs..

Pull up - you carried the gal up , she hugged you, you carried her up and down with your cock and her pussy remain inter-locked.

Pull-up with mouth training- you do pull up with mouth inter-locked with plenty of tongue contact .

[bakylotus]

IRISHMAN, ENGLISHMAN & SCOTSMAN





Three couples are playing golf.


The Englishman's wifes steps up to the tee and as she
bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blew her
skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


'Good God, woman, why aren't you wearing any knickers?'
her husband demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough
housekeeping money to afford any', she complained.
'For the sake of decency, here's 50 quid, go buy yourself
some underwear', the husband replied.

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the
tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing
no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman, You've no knickers, why not?'
She replied, 'I can't afford on the money you give me' He
reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,
here's 20 pounds, get some underwear'.


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that, she too, is naked under
it.


'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie, Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too complained, 'Yer dinna give me enough money da be able
da affard any'. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fa da lav of decency, here's a comb, Tidy yerself up abit!'

[yogi_b]

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonised over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

RETURNED UNOPENED