Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

FOOD FOR THOUGHT 2


Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember
you the next time he is in trouble.


I am not stupid, everyone else is just smarter than me.


I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me I need
exercise, so now I watch tennis.


If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.


If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.


If ignorance is bliss, I'm the happiest person you'll ever meet.


If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

[soundlab]

Cow joke

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks him, ‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day getting drunk?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So what happened that’s so horrible?’
Farmer: ‘Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I
got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘Ok, but that’s not so bad.’
Man: ‘So what happened then?’
Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.’
Man: ‘And then?’
Farmer: ‘Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I
got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket. Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So, what did you do then?’
Farmer: ‘I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the
right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail. Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So, what did you do?’
Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and
tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my
wife walked in... Some things you just can’t explain.’

[soundlab]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again ...ONE, TWO,
THREE...UUH!’ all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The
first mutters, ‘It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard
on.’
The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that's
embarrassing?’ ‘I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!'

[Silver Wolf]

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[Silver Wolf]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Roman city]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man an injection. “No way… no needles for me! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection.” the patient says “I’m fine with pills.”

The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”

[yogi_b]

On the way back from a Boy Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mummies tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

[yogi_b]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[yogi_b]

THE JOURNEY OF A MAN

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[yogi_b]

MALE PHILOSOPHY

When a man steals your wife, there is than to let him keep her.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin - they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Women inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it and 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted a 'wife wanted' ad in the classifieds. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Roaring Tiger]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[Roaring Tiger]

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.

So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[~oyster~]

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...
Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"

[Roman city]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?” The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.”

[VeriSign]

thanks all bros who share their jokes here.
really have a good times reading it.