Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

Steve saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year Old rancher, pull into town. Tom had lost his Wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.

Being one of Tom's oldest friends, Steve asked if the rumor was true, and Tom assured him that it was.

Steve then asked Tom how old the new Bride-to-be was.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one In November."

Now Steve, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman probably wouldn't be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining Years to be happy,

Steve tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's Course.

Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, Steve ran into Tom In town again. "How's the new wife?" Steve asked Tom.

Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"

Steve, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, smiling Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

[seesaw]

A rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things and then the poor man asked the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-carat diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So...What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man said, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"

[seesaw]

Two tigers are walking single file along a narrow jungle path when the tiger in back takes off and disappears for a few minutes.

Shortly after the other tiger returns to his place behind the lead tiger, the lead tiger feels what appears to be the trailing tiger's tongue applied just below his tail.

Although he disapproves of this, he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to start any trouble.

Shortly, the lead tiger feels the same sensation and, being thoroughly disgusted, decides to confront this butt-licker.

He turns around and says to the other tiger, "Hey! Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The rear tiger replies, "Yeah, and I'm very sorry about it. The trouble is, I just ate a lawyer and I was just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[bakylotus]

GAY RECRUIT


A very well groomed young man walked into an Army
recruitment office to register. After answering numerous
questions he was finally asked if he was a homosexual.
The gay admitted he was.

'Gay huh?' the burly recruiter growled. 'Do you think you
could kill a man?'

'My yes', the man giggled. 'But it would take days and days".

[Roman city]

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it.” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation!” “Calm down honey…” the man replied “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.” A day goes by and the next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. “What was that for?” he complained. “Your dog called last night.”

[birdie8819]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."

"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."


After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my Dad knows a lady named Nancy that has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[Roman city]

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian’s head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, “I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give them a thousand bucks.” Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, “Tom, take a look at this.” Tom says, “Not now, I’m busy.” Jack says, “I really think you should have a look.” Tom says, “Asshole, can’t you see I’m busy? I’ve got a thousand dollars in my hand.” Jack says, “Please, Tom, take a look.” Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there’s five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, “Fuck! We’re gonna be millionaires!”

[bakylotus]

ECHOES

Friend of mine named Dan hates to lose at golf.
He was in a foursome when his ball landed in a
sandtrap.

Hidden from view, the rest of us could hear him
hacking away at the ball.

When he finally drove out and rejoined us, I asked
him how many strokes that was.

'Three' he firmly replied.

'Oh, come on', said another member of the group.
'I heard six'.

'Three', replied Dan, 'were echoes'.

[beary]

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refrigerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

Q: What did the blonde say during a porno?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

[beary]

Little Johnny and Little Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to play. Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's room.

"Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers, clowns or elephants," Little Tommy complained.

Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard some high school boys say your sister was a three-ring circus."

Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she heard Little Johnny's explanation:

"Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock, on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you fuck her up the ass!"

[Roman city]

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her “the look”. Whispering under her breath, the wife says “No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching!” Husband replies, “You’re right, let’s go to the beach.”

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. “Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public!” Embarrassed, the husband admits “You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn’t seen each other for an entire week. Now, I’m a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.”

The cop thought for a second and said “Don’t worry… you are a colleague and it’s your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay.”

[Roman city]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin!” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!” So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?” The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.” goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.” Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. “Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies. “Fuck me” says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

[J.Bonk.003]

smart man + smart woman = romance
smart man + dumb woman = affair
dumb man + smart woman = marriage
dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

[J.Bonk.003]

Research shows that married men have longer lifespan than single men.
However, research also shows that married men rather die earlier.

[seesaw]

Type Of Girls
January 20th, 2008 by fman

HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER

RAM GIRLS:
she forget about you, the moment turn her off

WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone know that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access

SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She make horrible thing look beautiful

CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .

VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as “wife” when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try you uninstall her you will lose everything…