Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Highboy]

A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

[bakylotus]

Three Nuns were attending a rugby final...

Three men were sitting directly behind...

Because the Nuns' habits were partially
blocking the men's view, the men decided
to badger the Nuns hoping that they will
get annoyed enough to move to another
area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'I
think I am going to move to Sydney...there
are only 100 Nuns living there'.

Then the second guy spoke up and said, 'I
want to go to Tasmania, there are only 50
Nuns there'.

The third guy said, 'I want to go to New
Zealand, there are only 25 Nuns there'.

One of the Nuns turned around, looked at the
men and in a very calm and sweet voice said,
'Why don't you go to Hell, there aren't any
Nuns there!'.

[Roman city]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.” “Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

[seesaw]

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling; therefore, spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

[seesaw]

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by, and they all had a great time. After they returned home, and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11" all night, so I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean...My old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there. She slaps the bed all night and hollers, "Hit me light" or "Hit me hard." So, I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! ...My old lady played the slot machines the whole time we were there. So, I wake up each morning with a sore dick and a butt full of quarters ."

[bakylotus]

POOR FOOL


'Honey', said the husband to his wife, 'I invited a
friend home for supper'.

'What? Are you crazy? The house is in a mess, I
have not been shopping, all the dishes are dirty
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal', she
wailed.

'Oh, I know that' replied the husband.

'Then why did you invite him for supper?'

'Because the poor fool is thinking about getting
married'.

[Roman city]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out “Watch that fucking wall!”

[Roman city]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

[VeriSign]

a very good thread.
after reading,can at least relax a bit.
thanks all who share and contribute here.

[seesaw]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[seesaw]

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field.

The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace.

The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.

"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"

"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."

"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."

"It's a deal."

So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs.

About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.

"Be true to me, Be true to me,

Be true for just one hour.

Be true to me, Be true to me,

And his airplane will be ours."

Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs.

He asks her if she stayed true to him.

She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.

"He kissed me on the lips,

He kissed me on the tits,

He kissed me in the middle.

He kissed a spot that you forgot,

And you lost your f*cking fiddle."

[seesaw]

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.

They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

[Cheonging101]

A newly appointed Foreign Affairs spokesman for Malaysia was sent to Shanghai for preparations of the upcoming World Expo.

While having dinner with the others spokesmen from other countries, the topic began to cirlce around the greatness of their people, their masculinity and finally the prowess of their manhood.

The American, that goddamn braggart, unzipped his pants and pulled out his tellywhacker. It measured a good 7 inches long and 2 inches wide as he proclaimed, "This! Is the Statue of Libertaayyyy!"

"Fuck you, garcon! Zee statue was given to you from us!" shot back the French, snobbish as ever, as he whipped out his long-john. It measured only 1 inch across but was a staggering 11 inches long. He said with glee, "Zis! Is zee Eiffel Tower!"

Seeing that he is being outdone but not willing to hurt his national pride, especially on his first assignment, the Malaysian unleashed his peter. A humble 4 inches long and 1/2 inch wide.

The other spokesmen laughed and demanded, "What the fuck is that?"

Red in the face with embarassment and anger, the Malaysian started jacking off till he came all over the place and yelled out triumphantly, "This! Is the Malaysian Rubber Tree and it produces more than 50% of the world's Latex!"

[Cheonging101]

Successful with the way he had dealt with spokespeople at dinner, the Malaysian happily obliged to have luncheon with the others the next day.

This time, the topic began to fall on technology and how advanced their research has brought them. The Russian spokesman said, "In my country, we have people who have lost their hands come to us. We replaced them with bionic arms. Now, these people are in charge of protecting our county."

The Japanese spokesman said, "In my country, we have people who have lost their legs come to us. We replaced them with cybernetic ones. Now, these people are in charge of bringing honor to our county."

The Malaysian spokesman, smug with last night's success, said, "In my country, we have people who have lost their heads come to us. We replaced them with coconuts. Now, these people are in charge of running our county!"

[Roman city]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. “Mum, I have to tell you,” the girl confessed. “I lost my virginity last weekend.” “I’m not surprised,” said her mother. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.” “Well, yes and no,” the pretty student remarked. “The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy was pretty sore.”