Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[lipe]

After telling his wife he was working late at the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?

Walking in the door, he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration, he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand, he went into the living room and exclaimed: ‘Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!’

His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said: ‘That’s nothing. Look what he did to my tits!

[lipe]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts, tossing them in the air and catching them in his mouth.

While he was in the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer, the peanut landed in his ear.

The wife tried to remove the peanut but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. With all subsequent attempts to remove the peanut failing miserably, the pair began to panic and decided to go to the hospital but, just as they were about to leave, their daughter came home with her date.

Hearing of the problem, the young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. Sure enough, when the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

Everyone congratulated the young man, and the daughter took him into the kitchen to get him something to eat as a reward. The relieved wife turned to her husband and said: ‘Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

The father replied: ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!’

[lipe]

When her husband had to cancel his vacation to the Caribbean because of business commitments, a wife decided to go alone. Making the most of her
freedom, she allowed herself to be seduced by a black man. After a passionate night of sex, she asked him his name.

‘I’m not going to tell you,’ he said, ‘because you’ll laugh.’

‘No, I won’t,’ she said.

‘You will.’

‘I won’t – I promise.’

‘OK, my first name is Snow.’

The woman immediately started laughing.

‘I knew you’d make fun of it!’ he said.

‘No, it’s just that my husband won’t believe me when I tell him that I had ten inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!''

[lipe]

A famous French wartime pilot named Pierre was having dinner with a brunette, and when they finished they headed to a hotel where he called room service and asked for a bottle of red wine.

When it arrived, he put some red wine on the woman’s lips and began kissing her passionately.

‘What is the red wine for?’ she panted.

The pilot replied suavely: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot has red meat, he has red wine.’

‘Ooooh!’ she sighed, and they carried on.

A few minutes of heavy kissing later, he reached for the phone and ordered a bottle of white wine. When it arrived, he splashed it on her chest and began kissing her breasts.

‘What is the white wine for?’ she gasped.

The pilot replied suavely: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot has white meat, he has white wine.’

‘Ooooh!’ she groaned.

Soon he worked his way down to her pussy, pulled out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkled it on her muff and set fire to it.

‘Aaagh! Why the fuck did you do that?’ she screamed.

The pilot replied proudly: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot goes down, he goes down in flames'

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by lipe

Soon he worked his way down to her pussy, pulled out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkled it on her muff and set fire to it.

‘Aaagh! Why the fuck did you do that?’ she screamed.

The pilot replied proudly: ‘For when Pierre the famous fighter pilot goes down, he goes down in flames'

LoL .. 555 ..... Nice One Bro

[PasteMeSome]

Originally Posted by lipe

The father replied: ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!’

Nice share bro LOL

[lipe]

A Muslim was sitting next to an Aussie on a flight from Singapore bound for
Sydney, Australia.

When the plane was airborne, the stewardesses took orders for drinks.

The Aussie said: “I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks, please.”

The drink was brought and placed before him.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied: “I would rather be raped by a dozen infidel whores and have my head stuffed up a sheep’s arsehole than let alcohol touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, “Sorry, darling, I didn’t realise there was a choice.”

[lipe]

An American couple are on holiday travelling through Wales. On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat.

As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the girl serving them “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?”

The waitress nods.
“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”

The waitress leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”

[lipe]

A man walks into a bar. He’s massive, heavily tattooed and menacing. He knocks back a beer and snarls, “All the men on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

You could hear a pin drop.

He then knocks back another beer and snarls, “All the men on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

Everyone is silent again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

“You got a problem, pal?”

“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

[Kimmy36]

Very nice jokes here, thanks everyone

[bigbirdbird]

Minor Surgery

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery.

The day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked.. "You look fine to me."

"I know." grinned the patient. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[bigbirdbird]

Ten Ways to Say “Your Fly Is Open”



10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. I can see the gun of Navarone.

8. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is showing.

7. You've got Windows in your laptop.

6. Sailor Dick's trying to take a little shore leave.

5. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

3. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson….

2. You need to bring your tray table to the upright position!

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED ...

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts!

[bigbirdbird]

Send Me a Woman

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says, 'yes'.

The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator, or a teacher. Which one should I send up?"

With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."

When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?"

"The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it.

"The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished.

"But the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."

[Hurricane88]

*PRIDE OF SENIOR CITIZEN*

Two old men used to meet up for breakfast.
Then AhKok disappeared for a month. AhSiew was worried, and he could not remember AhKok’s home address.

One day, AhKok reappeared.
"What the world happened to you?" asked AhSiew.

"I was in jail" replied AhKok.

"What? Jailed? For what?"

"Well", said AhKok "remember Fanny, the Indonesian waitress at the coffee shop?"

"Yeah, I remember. What happened to her?"

"She filed rape charges against me.
At 85 years old, I was so proud of my manhood, I pleaded guilty.

*The damned judge gave me 30 days for lying under Oath* "

🤣

[otamay]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*PRIDE OF SENIOR CITIZEN*

Two old men used to meet up for breakfast.
Then AhKok disappeared for a month. AhSiew was worried, and he could not remember AhKok’s home address.

"She filed rape charges against me.
At 85 years old, I was so proud of my manhood, I pleaded guilty.

*The damned judge gave me 30 days for lying under Oath* "

🤣

Hahaha thanks for the nice joke here.