Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hurricane88]

Husband & wife went for Divorce at court.
Judge : You have 3 kids...How will u divide them?
The husband had a long discussion with his wife & said " Ok, sir We will come back next year with 1 more kid" so that we can divide our children equally between us😂😂


*9 months later....They got twins*
😜😝😂😂😳😱

[VRossi1980]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

this is funny, thanks bro.

[PasteMeSome]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Husband & wife went for Divorce at court.
Judge : You have 3 kids...How will u divide them?
The husband had a long discussion with his wife & said " Ok, sir We will come back next year with 1 more kid" so that we can divide our children equally between us😂😂


*9 months later....They got twins*
😜😝😂😂😳😱

Wahahaha gotta wait for 1 more year

[Hurricane88]

CONFESSIONS OF A
KID


Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

************ **

*Letter 1*

Dear God,

I have been *a very good* boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

************ **

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.

************ **

*Letter 2*

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been *a good boy* this year and I would like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,

Bobby

************ **

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

************ **

*Letter 3*

Dear God,

I have been *an OK* boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

************ **

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

************ **

*Letter 4*

God,

I know *I haven't been a good boy* this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

************ **

Bobby knew, even if it was true, *this letter was not going to get him a bike.*

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of Mother Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

*Letter 5*

God,

*I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!*



🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Cheetah2020]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

God,

*I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!*



🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nice one bro, thanks!

[Hurricane88]

Morning jokes for happiness...

[Hurricane88]

More jokes...

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole.

The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

[bigbirdbird]

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped



1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

2. Let's play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

4. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

5. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

7. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

8. What time do you have to be in heaven.

9. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

11. How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

12. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

13. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

14. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

15. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ?

16. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

17. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No?" Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

18. The word for the day is 'Legs'. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

19. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

20. Hi my name's Michael - Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on.

21. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place?

22. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

23. That's a nice smile, it’s just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

24. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

25. Nice outfit, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

[bigbirdbird]

How the Internet is Like a Penis



It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[bigbirdbird]

Pirate Pick-up Lines



"I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."

"Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."

"See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."

"Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"

"Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."

"I've hidden booty all over the Caribbean -- but never have I seen one like yours!"

"That's NOT my parrot talking, Sweetie!"

"That's a lovely pair of 8-pounders you have there."

"My peg-leg's ribbed for your pleasure."

"Why not climb my main mast and I'll visit your crow's nest."

[Cafu]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole.

The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Give 15 balls

[borget]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

This is a damn good joke hehe

[Hurricane88]

*Political thinking* 😜😀

Once a corrupt minister and his deputy went to inspect a school and a prison.
The school was in a poor state with no furniture, dilapidated building etc. The Principal requested RM500,000 to help to improve conditions.

Next they visited a prison. There too conditions were pathetic and the warden demanded RM5m to improve conditions of the cells.
Both came back and the minister wrote a cheque for RM5m to improve the Jail. Perplexed by the minister's decision, his deputy asked for an explanation why the prison and not the school got the money. The
Minister explained, "Dude, you and i are not going to go to school in future but we both may go to Jail. Therefore, facilities in the prison must be improved."

One has to understand the politician's logic and thinking ! 😀😀😜

[Tai_zi21]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Political thinking* 😜😀

Once a corrupt minister and his deputy went to inspect a school and a prison.
The school was in a poor state with no furniture, dilapidated building etc. The Principal requested RM500,000 to help to improve conditions.

Next they visited a prison. There too conditions were pathetic and the warden demanded RM5m to improve conditions of the cells.
Both came back and the minister wrote a cheque for RM5m to improve the Jail. Perplexed by the minister's decision, his deputy asked for an explanation why the prison and not the school got the money. The
Minister explained, "Dude, you and i are not going to go to school in future but we both may go to Jail. Therefore, facilities in the prison must be improved."

One has to understand the politician's logic and thinking ! 😀😀😜

This is really funny