Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[xemazda]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

what a joke...

Haha nice joke, thanks bro!

[OldCause]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Makes everybody happy!

[StrongBrew]

'Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”

[diputs1269]

Bump for Monday blue laughter.

[dyelook]

laughter bumps..

[StrongBrew]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[otoyceking]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

'Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”

Nice joke bro lol

[Hurricane88]

what a joke...

[otamay]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

what a joke...

Very true, thanks.

[Mexium]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

what a joke...

Great share bro, thanks a lot

[StrongBrew]

At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause....

Mary age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Rev Roberto blushing, asks her: "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mary's 70-year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Fuck him!"

[nugrupes]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause....

Mary age 68, stands and announces with a smile,
"If Rev Roberto stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Rev Roberto blushing, asks her: "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mary's 70-year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Fuck him!"

ROFL this is funny, thanks bro!!

[bigbirdbird]

A Lady traffic police got married, and on the next morning after her 1st night in bed with her husband, gave him a saman of Rm1000/-.

Husband in shock asked why ?

She replies:
Over Speed = 100
Wrong side = 300
Repeated horn pressing = 200
Not using helmet = 400

[bigbirdbird]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus.

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.An old friend who once saved your life.

The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.-
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.-
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.-
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

Sometimes,we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box.

HOWEVER, the correct answer is - ta da:

To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have s e x with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

[bigbirdbird]

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Yes,...but why?"

"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."