Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Roman city]

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminds her husband “Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t talk for an hour.” The husband replies “Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.”

[seesaw]

I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.

Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

[seesaw]

Beautiful woman


There is this man sitting at the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in, and he just has to go over to her. "Let's cut the small talk, shall we? Your place or mine?" he says.

She looks at him and replies, "Mine."

So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and they go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all these dicks hanging on the walls.

He jumps back and cries, "What the hell is going on here?"

She answers, "If you don't satisfy me, that's where you're going to hang. So how do you want it?"

The man thinks for a minute and tells her to go into the bedroom, turn out the lights and get naked. When she goes into the bedroom, he goes back down to his car and gets this Big fuckin' watermelon out of his truck. He goes back up to her place and knocks on the bedroom door.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. So he goes into the room and starts to pump her with the watermelon. She is just screaming her lungs out, absolutely loving every minute of it. This goes on for an hour or so. When he finishes, he asks her, "So how was that?"

The woman catches her breath and says, "Ahhh, nothing like a good fingering before a fuck!"

[seesaw]

Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously enjoying herself.

The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers.

"Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex orgy they have up there."

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer. "Have you won?"

Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"

[Roman city]

A guy walks into the local pharmacy and heads to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, “I’d like 99 condoms please.” With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, “99 condoms? Fuck me!” to which the guy replies, “Make it 100 then.”

[Playman]

[TheFallenOne]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"First check for bees."

[seesaw]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex


1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It's free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"

14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

[seesaw]

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!

9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!

8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!

7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"

6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!

5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!

4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!

3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!

2) The keyboard is moist!

1) She comes home with a rubber inflatable disk drive!

[Roman city]

The queen of England was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”

The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”

“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.

The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”

The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

[bakylotus]

A young man moved into a new apartment of
his own and went to the lobby to put his name
on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out
of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing
a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, it was
obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his
arm and said, 'Lets go to my apartment, I hear
someone coming'.

He followed her into her apartment, she closed
the door and leaned against it allowing the robe
to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you
say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,
Its got to be your ears'.

Astound and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears?
Look at these breasts, they are full and 100
percent natural. I work out every day, my butt
is firm and solid. Look at my skin, no blemished
anywhere'.

'How can you think that my best part of my body
are my ears'.

Clearing his throat, he stammered, 'Outside, when
you said you heard someone was coming...that
was me!'

[beary]

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked,

"Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"

"No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed.

The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."

He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor."

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?"

He said, "It's me!

She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "what it is?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint.

Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.

"Oh!... Come on in, Dick

[beary]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

[beary]

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.

"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly."

"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend.

"But I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"


************************

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[Roman city]

Ralph hadn’t been on a date for quite some time, and knowing this, his good friend arranges a blind date for him. Having been stuck in a few bad blind dates in the past, Ralph is reluctant to accept the idea.

His friend assures him that he would call during the date so he would have an excuse to leave, in case things weren’t going well. So Ralph agrees to the arrangement and later in the week he meets his date at a restaurant for dinner.

After being with his blind date all evening, Ralph couldn’t handle another minute with her. Surely enough, his phone rings and he excuses himself from the table to answer it.

When he returns to the table, he lowers his eyes, puts on a grim expression and saids, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.” The blind date replies, “Thank heavens, if yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”