Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Fourgot]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

Very true LMAO

[ilovelife.now]

The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.

He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
"How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks

"3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work"

The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well.

"10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage."

The father looks sceptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.

"How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father
"35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget."
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?"

"I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"

[ilovelife.now]

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it.

On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one."

Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

[Informer]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it.

On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one."

Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

hahaha, very nice joke.

[StrongBrew]

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them.

But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model !

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

[heehua]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it.

On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one."

Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

Nice one hehehe, thanks!

[doxxing]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them.

But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model !

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Nice joke and thanks.

[Hurricane88]

📢 5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son ! 😂😂😂

*To all fathers!*
💞 *Happy Father’s day* 💞

[Rabbit2023]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

📢 5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Happy Fathers day !

Thank you for sharing nice jokes.

[premierleague]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

📢 5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Nice joke bro. Thanks and hope to read more.

[Sextificing]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

📢 5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Very good joke bro, thanks!!

[batho]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

A retired old couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman promised to hold a car for them.

But they found the car was just sold to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, you said you hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet you closed the deal for $75,000 to the young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no discount for this model !

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman walked over to the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Haha nice share bro, more please!

[sms96]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it.

On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one."

Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

No need to guess which position

[StrongBrew]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[StrongBrew]

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins""That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!