Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[reckus]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Adult Theme Jokes 😊👍🏻😊

(9) Lady was trying on a dress.
Husband: 'Your bum is as big as a BBQ pit!'
Later in bed, husband said, 'Want to do it?'
Wife: 'It's a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.' 😂

Laughing is good for your health ... Have a great day ... 👍🏻😂👍🏻

very good one bro, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:


1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

[bigbirdbird]

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"

"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation."

"What did he say when it occurred?"

"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

************

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.

Grandpa said, When you're first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary.

Well, how about you and grandma now? The younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now. What's oral sex? The young bridegroom asked.

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO.

[bigbirdbird]

Important Information for Women;

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard," triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday

[bigbirdbird]

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

[bigbirdbird]

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are. To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid."

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she replied. He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"

[35cents]

hilarious!....

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

[benzoinum]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are. To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid."

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she replied. He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"

Why upstairs?
Interesting and so funny.
Thks for sharing.

[goldlining]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

I love Dolly Parton boobies.
TQ for sharing great jokes.
Hope to read more.

[shanxi]

Always nice to laugh and keep myself young.

[HundredNic]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are. To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid."

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she replied. He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"

Very nice joke bro, thx for sharing.

[GanjaMatic]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

I like Dolly Parton jokes.
Thanks for sharing.
Camping here for more.

[Wedar]

Great jokes here, thanks bro bigbirdbird

[trami]

Great jokes here, thanks bro bigbirdbird

Tks

[CafeUm]

Fantastic jokes by bro bigbirdbird
Thx