Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[easygoing3333]

Weird Baby

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

[easygoing3333]

Just One More Time

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

[oceanic]

One fine working morning when everyone is rushing to work.
There's this bus heading to town, though the bus is not crowded.
But all the seats is taken up, except this one particular seat near to the back.
As this seat is fill with vomits, so no one would like to seat there.
The stench is already killing the whole passengers on the bus
as its an aircon bus.
Then at a stop, there's this well dress office worker boarded, saw the empty seat from far when paying for the fare. Quickly he rush to the back where the empty seat is after paying. And sat on the seat without realising its has puke on it! After that he felt the wetness and the gooey feeling on his pants. YUCKS!

Imagine u r in that position! Darn, I will be lost man.
It doesnt pay to be kiasu.
And clear ur nose b4 going to work, to make sure nose is working fine.

[beary]

couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.

[beary]

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

[beary]

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally.

She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."

[Roman city]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Joya said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Joya. You can go".

Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Marol said, "John Kennedy". "That's right Marol. You can go".

Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

[seesaw]

Customs

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull shit."

[seesaw]

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

[seesaw]

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:

"No darling... Let me be Frank".

[seesaw]

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator. He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.

So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny,I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".

[seesaw]

An American couple on vacation in France on leaving a Paris hotel were given a bill for $700. The man protested to the manager who reminded him that he had a room plus bath.

"But I didn't take a bath," said the man.

"I can't help that, it was there for you," replied the manager.

The unhappy man wrote something on a paper and presented the manager with a bill for $500.

"What's that for?" cried the manager.

"For making love to my wife."

"But I never touched your wife," objected the manager, angrily.

"Can't help it," said the other, "she was there for you."

Later in their vacation after a week in a Marseille hotel, he was handed a huge bill of $1200. Remembering Paris, our hero called for the manager and said, "M'sieur, you owe me $500."

"For what?" asked the manager.

"For making love to my charming wife, Ethel, that's what."

The manager suddenly became red-faced and nervous as he replied in a low voice, "Sir, not so loud, please. If you will come into my office, I will write you a check right away."

[seesaw]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately, he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

[ilovelife.now]

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[ilovelife.now]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."