Love found at the wrong time with the wrong person

[kenstud27]

With that, the night continued with me sitting at the desk, looking blankly into the night sky. Dawn came and i prepared myself to go to the airport. Upon checking out, i left the deposit and the letter i wrote in a envelope and told the counter that M would be coming later to collect it. I went to the airport feeling damn sad and depressed. I came a happy man but left broken-hearted.

I turned my phone back on in Beijing but there was no message from M, she should have received the letter by now but. It was then I knew something was truly wrong, if there was no problem she should have replied immediately. The fact that the reply was delayed would only meant that what I wrote had some truth and she didn’t know how to respond to it. I sat there at the bench at the boarding gate, feeling alone and sad. I have never felt this alone before, it was like the people in the airport was non-existence and I was all alone in a black void, an endless void where no one can hear me or reach out to me. I took out my phone constantly and kept browsing through her photos. What did I do wrong? Was I being too much for her? But I never asked her for anything that she couldn’t give such as insisted time with me. I wanted to be just by her side whenever she needs me. I wanted to be her guardian angel that will be there when she is happy so that I can share her joy, be there when she is sad so that she has a shoulder to lean on or at least be there when she has a problem at work and I can give her some advice, if not, just be a listening ear. Was I being too over-bearing? So much thoughts went through my mind and the more I thought, the more I felt like crying. I could feel the first drop on its way so I immediately tilted my head upwards to prevent it from dropping. I could still hear people chattering about, footsteps and trolleys moving around, and the announcement of the PA system. The announcement finally came for my flight to be boarded and so once again, I joined the queue to board. The scene seemed so familiar, the last time I did this, I came with so much anticipation and excitement. But now, all im left with was a empty and hallow shell. I was so tired, I could barely moved my body as if my soul had been drained dry from the body. I knew what I was doing but I just couldn’t control my emotion. I got to my seat, got a window seat this time but I didn’t had the mood to enjoy the view. The moment the flight took off, I adjusted myself to sleep. Perhaps all these was a bad dream, maybe when I wake up, everything will be fine. Maybe…..

The plane arrived in SG right on time and by then, my phone had no more battery. Just as well, maybe there was still no message from her and my wife came to picked me up so I won’t be able to read or reply her anyway. I had to pretended that I was happy to see my wife, it was not that she was repulsive or anything but I just can’t find the joy within. She noticed that there was something wrong with me and kept asking if I was ok but I simply replied that I am tired from the flight. Just a few causal exchanges about the weather and how the “work trip” went, had to be very careful about what I said so that everything tied back to my endless lies. From the airport to my home was less than 20 mins so I was more than glad that I didn’t had to had more small talks with her. Poor thing, all these time she didn’t even know that her bastard husband was cheating and lying to her. I got home, dropped my luggage and brought my phone to charged. Went for a quick shower, I didn’t turn on the heater as I wanted the cold water to calm me down. It was already very late so my wife crashed out before I came out from the shower, I walked to the my desk to checked my phone, the green light was on. She finally replied, or was that an message that came in from someone else. But that will be highly impossible as almost everyone I know will Whatsapp me while only a few will WeChat message me. Took a deep breath and unlocked my phone, it was from her. I didn’t immediately read the message, I wasn’t prepared for what possibly could come. Went to the kitchen and got myself a can of Coke Zero, turned on the fan at the study while I transferred the charging of the phone there. Sat down on my chair, I looked up to the ceiling and mentally prepped myself. This was her reply:

“Yes, your feeling was right. I distanced myself from you. Not because I didn’t love you anymore but because I didn’t know how to face myself. When I first saw you downstairs my house on the first day, the thought that came to my mind was: What kind of woman am i?? My husband barely left me and here I am meeting another man, at my home town!! I couldn’t face myself, the guilt and sadness which really tormented me! I knew how I would have felt that was why I didn’t want you to come in the first place. But then, I knew you really wanted to be here so I gave in.

You kept wanting a status between the both of us, but how do you want to define us? Definitely not boyfriend/girlfriend. Lovers? But I think both of us have more feelings for one another than a fling or rendezvous relationship. Is really a status that important? Can’t we be more natural? I am truly disappointed over your letter. I thought by now you understood me. What I want is the feeling between 2 person, with a look in the eyes you would know the care and concern. Without words, you would know that I am always thinking about you. With you around, I feel safe. Doesn’t mean that I don’t see you then I don’t think about you. Or when I don’t message you means you are not important. To you, you deemed relationship as something physical or something you can see or touch, then to you, that’s real. You will believe it exist. That’s our difference.

Please don’t think too much, I really expected you to be more matured than this. Maybe we both needed sometime away to think things though between us.”

The message really was like a knife through my heart. I kept on reading over and over again. I knew what kind of relationship we are in and I have never asked for anything more than what she can give. So where was all these thoughts coming from? Isn’t it normal for a man to miss a woman if he loves her? Is it too much to ask that as and when you can, you will drop me a message to let me know how you are or you miss me? My heart sank, and for the first time, I regretted being in this relationship. I gave my heart to her yet it was tossed back to me like some unwanted piece of paper. I remembered when we started, our messages was so much that it exceeded her data plan! I remembered that it was her that messaged me most of the time as I never knew if her husband was around her so the deal was that she will messaged me when its safe for her. Gosh!! I never cried so much for a woman before and I hated myself for being like that. What did I do wrong that you have to treat me like this? If it is so difficult for you, why not just break up with me? Just say it, I will back off. The tears was warm and endless, streaming down so much it wetted my shirt. I sobbed silently as I didn’t want my wife to hear. I grasped my fist so tightly that the nails bended. I started to trembled, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t focus. I wished that I could have died there, just take my life! I am no better than being dead after what I read. It was a horrible experience! Why…..why…..why…..

*To be continued……………

[Nuahster]

So sorry about your sadness, bro. Totally understand how you feel. Went through almost the same thing, right up to the part where my selfishness eventually pushed her away. Took me a few years to get over this and understand my lack of maturity in handling the whole situation, especially the constraints and guilt that she had to go through daily while trying to keep me happy.

I tell myself that I must handle myself better if I ever fall in love again. Almost 10 years have passed but no one has been able to touch my heart like her.

[bigbrudder]

Never saw that part coming. The worst kind of loneliness to suffer.

[tomyumgong]

story so real and full of emotions...Well done bro...well...for you, you have live once and love once...that's enough....the rest is not important

[prettymannequin]

Originally Posted by kenstud27

If it is so difficult for you, why not just break up with me? Just say it, I will back off.

But bro, the thing is, she didn't want to simply break up. Cause the feelings are still there, how to say break up then break up? She simply needed you to understand her situation abit more, that that the reality of her being someone else's wife has already sunk in for her.

TBH I was in a similar situation once, which is why your story captures my heart so much. When I read this portion of her message,

When I first saw you downstairs my house on the first day, the thought that came to my mind was: What kind of woman am i?? My husband barely left me and here I am meeting another man, at my home town!! I couldn’t face myself, the guilt and sadness which really tormented me!

it really resonated with me. Because after exchanging goodnight over the phone with my boyfriend whom I'm in an LDR with, I'd be picking up another call from a guy I was becoming attracted to. But the guilt was honestly killing me and everytime I picked up his call after talking to my boyf, he'd sense the distance as well.

I'm interested to see how your story pans out... hopefully it'll be much better than mine.

[PeteTsang69]

Bro TS
Read again ur letter to her left at hotel. Nothing wrong. I would hv written the same one. All u said was that she was distant/different.
You wished her no additional burdens. So u asked her, pls clarify what is going on. And if she needs to break up, cos can't tahan, just let you know.
its not u who wants to break up, you just trying make it easier for her if she wants that option ...

Her reply was harsh. Calling you immature.

What i see is miscommunication. Or lack communication . And need for couple to clarify matters. Sometimes we guys maybe blur. So educate us, but no need question our feelings

[kenstud27]

I didn't sleep that night until about 4am. I just couldn't close my eyes, in my mind, the contents of the message kept flashing. Why the fuck did i allowed myself to be hurt again? Fucking stupid! Fucking messed up! Fucked....no, i can't. I can't get mad at M, there was no way i could ever be mad at her. I was way too in love with her, in the midst of my sadness, all i could remembered was how nice it was to hold her hands, the fragrance of her hair whenever i stand behind her on the escalator, how she would throw her princess tantrum when she can't get her ways with me, how soft her lips felt wjen we kissed, how her cheeks would look liked a hamster whenever we go for a meal. There was no fault that i could find in her and for that, i hated myself. I started to sobbing but tried my best to be as quiet as possible so that my wife won't hear. It was only after 330am that i finally stopped and by then, i was having a massive migraine. I told myself i need to stop thinking, just take a breather and control my emotions. Got up from my seat and left the phone there continuing its charging, went to my bedroom and laid next to my wife. I turned my face away just in case she wakes up and see the tear marks. I was tired by now, i started drifting off to sleep, hoping and praying that God would have mercy and give me a good dream....

Woke the next day and felt like i had a wild night out drinking but i can't drink to save my life. Opened my eyes and looked around the room, reality sucks! I wasn't dreaming of last night, it did happened. The moment i established that reality, the pain came back with a vengeance. But this time, i was able to think more rationally. Thinking about the message she wrote, was it true? Was i really giving her those pressure? Yes i did. As we got closer, I wanted more. More time, more physical. But how could she? She was already married and she had to fulfill her responsibility to her husband. No matter how much she loved me, there had to be a bottomline with me and that was where i failed. I was ready to throw my marriage out for her. And of course with that kind of mentality, i adopted a limitless attitude with M. I was just plain selfish, both to M and my wife. Its all about what i wanted, but did i factor in the pain and guolt M was going through? I thought all along she was on the same mindset as me and she would want what i wanted as well. Thank God for her sanity. At least between the 2 of us, there was 1 person that could think rationally. If we were both single, then this wouldn't have happened but the truth was, we are Not. I had to forced myself to accept the truth, she wasn't playing me, she loved me. But she was being true to life, fulfilling her rightful obligations as a wife. Come to think of it, if she really could ditch her husband just like that, then what's stopping from doing the same to me when the next best guy comes along? Yes, i let what i wanted became such a strong desire that it became the greater evil in me. Perhaps sounding alittle too drama but it was just that. A line must be drawn, or else we not get ourselves hurt, we will hurt those innocent parties as well just bcoz we couldn't control ourselves.

There was a few messages exchanged after that incident, but none was to talked about the message she sent. A week later on 8th April, she was back in SG. No message from her but i knew she would have picked up by her husband so she couldn't. By then, i was so disturbed that i had to resort to taking sleeping pills to sleep. There was no way i could sleep on my own and not jumping up awake.

The next working day came and she reported back to work, we greeted each other rather politely and immediately i could feel a sense of awkwardness in the air. The damages had been done, there was already a crack in our relationship and all thanks to me! Now, its my turn that i couldn't face her. After acknowledging the hurt i have caused her, i thank God she still treated me like a friend but i was too ashamed to ask her out or anything alone anymore. Things between us took a drastic change and colleagues around us could sense it. People started to asked if we had gotten into a quarrel or something. To some, we are really good friends so it was weird that we suddenly stopped talking in office. While others could sensed that there was something special between us but chose to remain quiet and not probed.

Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, we hadn't gone out like we used to for more than 2 months by now. Her birthday just passed and i quietly slipped her bday present into her drawer. Then i bought a cake but had it courier to office. She knew it was from me so she messaged me thanks, she then used the cake to celebrated with her colleagues. Now, i only know about whats going on in her lofe through social media updates. Everytime she posted a photo of herself, i cropped out the portion of the photo with her in it and saved it in my QQ account. Every now and then i would returned to the playground at her old place, took the seat we used to sit at and pretended that she was there with me. Inwould sometime messaged that i missed her but she would never respond. Then photos of her and her husband became more and more. Even though it hurt but i still kept looking at them. I started to really accepted the truth that as long as she is happy, so will i.....

*To be continued.......

[real_king]

perhaps one day i mite also write my own life story here. but right now, its too emotional for me, Perhaps when i have gotten over it, perhaps.

[weewee23]

Take care, TS. Your story makes me emo too. maybe you shld pay more attention to your wife. Does she even knows anything?

By the way, is M from changchun??

[kenstud27]

Originally Posted by weewee23

Take care, TS. Your story makes me emo too. maybe you shld pay more attention to your wife. Does she even knows anything?

By the way, is M from changchun??

She doesn't know and this is one secret im bringing to my grave. And bingo on the location.

[Angeldevilinone]

Only one word to describe : sadz

[PeteTsang69]

not just "sadz" ....its TRAGIC ...

but its not a love tragedy ....speaking from experience living thru same issues

its an ECONOMIC TRAGEDY ... why?

if she was able to support herself, very subjective what is enough, she don't need to marry nice-guy-stable-job ...she sees him as purely economic resource

bro TS (me too) if earned enough to support wife (to be ex-wife) for her life and start new with M ... then bro would have just done it ....

i am not money-minded (my problem) ...it simply must be seen as a means and not an end...

my advice to ALL bros ...pls if you can, make as much money ...do not settle for a "good steady job" ...cos when you need it, you have it ..

look no further than rupert murdoch, married 3 times, enough cash to look after all 3 ... dumped the last gold-digger asap after he learnt she betrayed him ...
BTW, he was so in love, everyone was writing about gold-digger past before marrying her, but rupert, robert , still went ahead ....

[kenstud27]

The distance became even greater than before. Now, its only down to the morning messages. Apart from asking if she need breakfast, we had nothing to talk about. But as time passes, the pain within became more bearable although not lesser. By now, she had moved into her new house. Her husband would come and picked her up from work everyday. At work, she don't stay at her desk as much as before, she either runs to the production line a lot or even when she was at her desk, she was also busy messaging but i wasn't the receiving end like before. I was slowly becoming a another chapter in her life. What a whirlwind we had. From beginning subtly till a full blown relationship and to where we are now, it was barely a year.

Coming to work was starting to become a drag. The work hasn't change for me but it was bcoz i had to come and sit facing her but to her i was simply transparent. Then one day i got a call from an ex-colleague, he had a job opportunity for me in China and asked if i have the time to fly up for a interview. Perfect timing, just when i needed a break, this trip will definitely do some good for me. Although i wasn't sure if i should let her know and i struggled for awhile but eventually i thought why not. Just to see if she had any responses. After i messaged her of my plans, she only replied "ok". Well, it stung and i totally asked for it but i didn't put too much thoughts to it. But just on the day before i fly, she started messaging me on her own without me initiating it.

M: 东西准备好了吗？ (got everything ready?)
Me: 已经好了，谢谢关心 (all done, thanks for asking)
M: 祝你好运，希望一切顺利 (wishing you all the best, hope everything will go well)
Me: 嗯，希望如此 (yup, hope so too)

That was the last message, so stranger so cold. The message made me doubt if we were even in love at all just a few months ago. Seems like its really all over for us. Although i i didn't show it but inside my heart, i was weeping. That oh so familiar sour feel within, it was slowly creeping up. But i forced all the negativity down with one gulp of breath. I promised myself that i would stop doing this to myself. Her happiness was all that matter now and if she is happy with her husband, i will be happy for her.

The next day came and i decided to go to work and leave for the airport directly after that. It was another ordinary day for me, usual morning meetings and con calls to attend. Lunch came and as usual i went for lunch alone, apart from M, i didn't really clicked with anyone else at work. Then the all familiar green light beeped on my phone, i had a funny feeling it's going to be her and it was.

M: 希望你面试成功, 几点的飞机 (all the best for your interview, what time you leaving)
Me: 谢谢你，今晚七点。所以会早走。(thanks, tonight 7pm flight so will leave office early.)
M:也许这次真的是你生命的一个转机，好好努力吧。只要你过的好就好啦。多远我都会替你开心，为你祝福的。 找到新女朋友记得告诉我啊，找个脾气好点的，别像我这样的。还有啊，看人要小心点，女孩子会骗人的太多了， 别辛辛苦苦去做工作结果让人家骗财骗色。(hope that this is a turning point in your life, all the best! As long as you are doing fine, no matter how far i will be happy for you, giving you all my blessing. And if you find a girlfriend, must tell me, don't find someone like me with a bad temper. And please judge people carefully, there are many girls that swindles. Don't let your hard earn money be conned plus body.)
Me:不知道说什么好。以后的事会怎么样我们不知道，你只要记得现在我对你怎么样就好。如果新加坡这里是让 我放不下的，那就是你。这辈子没缘，希望下辈子我会聪明机灵点快点找到你。再让你爱上我。不管以后发生什么 事情，谢谢你爱过我。真的，除了这样讲我不知道怎么表达你对我的重要性。(i don't know what to say. We dont know what will happen in the futue, but you only need to remember how i feel about you now. If there is something in SG that i can't let go, that would be you. Our fate in this lifetime may have ended, but i hope in the next i will be smart and fast enough to find you quickly. Make you fall in love with me again. No matter what happened, thank you for loving me. Really, apart from this i dont know how else to express how much you mean to me)
M:虽然教你这些，心里有点酸酸的，可是也是没有办法的事情嘛，迟早会发生的。(Having said all this to you, i still feeling sourish within. But this inevitable, it will happen sooner ot later.)
Me:老实说，一直到今天，我还是希望最后我们有结果。是很傻我知道，但是我已经没办法不爱你了。我会有这 个安排，也是希望我们以前说的东西，真的有那一天我能把答应的全部做到。我知道你一定会骂我但是有时候，我 还是会去到以前那个公园坐一下，想象你还在我身边。我就是那么傻傻的爱着你宝贝。我不容易爱上别人，爱真的 是个很不容易的一个字。但是当我说出时，除非你亲口说不要我，不然这辈子我都会守着这个承诺。(frank ly speaking, i still hope for a future between us. I know this is very silly, but i cannot stop loving you. Why i decided to take this offer, was that i hope i can use this chance to fulfill all the things we used to talked about. I know you probably will scold me but sometime, i would still go the playground and sit there alone, imagining that you are there with me. I still love you like a fool. I don't fall in love easily as love has much responsibility. But when i say i do, unless you tell me in the face that you no longer want me, i will keep this promise for the rest of my life.)

*To be continued.........

[PeteTsang69]

W T F ! .... i love your story ...how to work ... jia you!

[kenstud27]

Thanks TS for supporting my story. As i am now in China SZ so my updates will be slow due top bad reception and my interview. Stay tunned!