Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Endfield2017]

Originally Posted by Meizoo

Huh what is this?

fantasy conversation?

[ajlover]

Originally Posted by Meizoo

Huh what is this?

Kid2 fucked kid1's mum

[garion]

Originally Posted by ajlover

Kid2 fucked kid1's mum

whatzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[bigbirdbird]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your $$$$$$... This is your $$$$$$ on drugs

[bigbirdbird]

There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.

She asked him, "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt."

He replied, "My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I'll die that very minute!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on, kiss me."

With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh, no, I'm going to die."

She asked, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!"

[bigbirdbird]

Blowjob Etiquette

(By A Female)

1. First and foremost we are not obliged to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you do get one be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw but it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No I don't have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles

6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally I don't want to puke on your prick.

7. I don't care how relaxed you are it's NEVER ok to fart.

8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I have ruined it for you

9. No it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein count.

10. No I will not do it while you watch t.v.

(By A Male)

1. First of all, yes you're obliged to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting, Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankfull i'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we have had better.

11. If you swallow you won't have to worry about getting any on your face will you?

[bigbirdbird]

At the Fish Shop


A woman walks into a fish shop.

She is pretending that she is mute and says, "MM MM MM NN MNN."

The clerk says, "What?"

The woman again mumbles, "MM…, MM….., MM….., MMMM."

The clerk replies, "I don’t understand you, I'll have to get my manager."

The girl goes and gets her manager.

The manager comes out and asks, "May I help you?"

The woman lifts up her shirt [no bra] and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."

The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."

[bigbirdbird]

How They Have Sex

- Accountants do it with Double Entry.

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick.

- Ambulance drivers come quicker.

- Australians do it Down Under.

- Bankers do it with interest.

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks.

- Chess players check their Mates.

- Cops do it with cuffs.

- Computer Technicians do it with hard drives.

- DJs do it on request.

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.

- Dentist do it orally.

- Detectives do it under cover.

- Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

- But worse are those bloody politicians, all they do is talk about it.

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers.

[bigbirdbird]

Elderly Biker



A little 80-year-old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door.



A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

"She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......"

[bigbirdbird]

Willpower





Marty arrives home from work, and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend, Marvin, has finally quit smoking.


"Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call willpower -- something that you definitely don't have."


But Sadie hadn't finished.


"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking -- another example of the kind of willpower that you don't have."




"OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not having sex with a woman."


Marty keeps to his word.


One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.


Marty shouts out, "What do you want?"


Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."

[surgeon]

Bro bigbigbird, thank you for sharing nice jokes.

[WorldCup2022]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your $$$$$$... This is your $$$$$$ on drugs

I love viagra!!

[namiman]

Tks for sharing good jokes bro bigbirdbird!!

[decrody]

Originally Posted by WorldCup2022

I love viagra!!

How many did you take per session?

[bigbirdbird]

Seeing a Shrink


Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.

Patient: I don't touch a drop.

Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.

Patient: I don't smoke.

Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs.

Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.

Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, find a couple of girlfriends, and get laid.