Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[easygoing3333]

IT'S NOT THAT HARD

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She
says "But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he
replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm
samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" She
looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse
sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse
drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski
mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[easygoing3333]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "So you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune

"Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[beary]

THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT HIM NAKED


1. Why is God punishing me?

2. At least this won't take long.

3. I never saw one like that before.

4. But it still works, right?

5. It looks unused.

6. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

8. Are you cold?

9. If you get me real drunk first.

10. Is that an optical illusion?

11. What is that?

12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

13. Does it come with an air pump?

14. So this is why you're to judge people on personality.

15. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

[beary]

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

Pretend to eat your arm.

Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

[Roman city]

An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

[Sibeisong999]

keep coming

[oceanic]

> The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses
> in U.S.A.
> Grand Prize USD50,000.00

> Newly wed girl told mom
> her husband is still a virgin.
> Mom asked
> "How do you know dear?"
> Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock
> was still in
> plastic cover."
>
> First Prize USD25,000.00
> (2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me
> sick."
> Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try
> it."
> 2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It
> worked! Me ok now. You got
> nice house."
>
> 10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each
> ( 3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her
> husband's cock.
> Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"
> Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I
> used to have one before."
>
> ( 4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes.
> Noon, hang clothes.
> Evening, keep clothes. Nite, iron clothes.
> Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find
> clothes.
>
> ( 6) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
> "Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
> "I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
> "I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.
>
> ( 7) A Sad story>> A woman's husband died and she
> had him cremated.
> She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said,
> " Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."
>
> ( 8) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"
> Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get
> one."
> Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"
> Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"
>
> ( 9) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his
> secretary:
> "If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would
> you take off?"
> Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties,
> Everything."
>
> (10) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex
> Education class."
> Teacher: "Why?"
> Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will
> be Oral."
>
> (11) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.
> Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and
> uterus. Are you close-by?"
> 2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just
> crossing the tonsils."
>
> (12) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in
> the world is a penis.
> This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple
> thought.
>

[beary]

A wife was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him.

After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless night-gown backwards so her tits were showing and sauntered into the living room.


"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.

"Yes, you've got your night-gown on backwards." her husband answered simply.


"How could you tell?" she cooed.

"Because the shit stains are in the front." he said.

[beary]

One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.

The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

[beary]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.

[beary]

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally,"Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[easygoing3333]

Thanks to bro who had up me.

For the dude or i pressume is the same dude who zapped me since the timing is so close with the following comments, please let me know what wrong with me contributing to the forum. Rather than hiding and no balls to tell me who are you.

Jokes for Relaxing..... 21-01-2010 11:59 PM its so easy going
Jokes for Relaxing..... 21-01-2010 11:53 PM
Jokes for Relaxing..... 21-01-2010 11:49 PM

[easygoing3333]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and
this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could
never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[Roman city]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "

Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ...

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

[bakylotus]

SHOCKED POEM


I was shocked, confused, bewildered,
As I entered Heaven's door.
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.


But it was the folks in Heaven,
Who made me sputter and gasp,
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.


There stood the kid from seventh grade,
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour,
Who never said anything nice.


Herb, who I always thought,
Was rotting away in Hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.


I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?'
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here,
God must have made a mistake'.


'And why's everyone so quiet?
So sombre, give me a clue.
'Hush child', Jesus said, 'they're all in shock,
At the thought of seeing you'.