Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Can I Fart?


Four convicts were eating in the chow hall one day.

One says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No."

"Pfffffffffffffff"

A second guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No." "Pffffffffffffff"

A third guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No."

"Pffffffffffffff"

The fourth guy says, "You guys mind if I fart?"

"No."

"BRRRRRAAAAAPPP!”

The other three guys look astonished. "Wow!! A virgin!!

[35cents]

another nice one bro.....!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Vocabulary

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot, asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

“Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, ‘turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it’."

[hoisan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Vocabulary

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot, asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

“Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, ‘turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it’."

I love Little Johnny jokes!!

[bigbirdbird]

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

[bigbirdbird]

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender... Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons a repushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't

have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!

[bigbirdbird]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

[bigbirdbird]

HORSE RACE Line up and odds:


In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1


AND THEY'RE OFF!!!


Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.


AT THE HALFWAY MARK:


It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.


AT THE TURN


Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.


AT THE STRETCH:


It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide


AT THE FINISH


It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[bigbirdbird]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[bigbirdbird]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The MAN of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The funeral director" would be my first guess.'

[bigbirdbird]

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip my cock out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging his cock on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"

[bigbirdbird]

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.

[bigbirdbird]

Santa Claus, Inc.
North Pole

Dear _____________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming; and the Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Polacks have scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

SANTA

[GletLiven]

Very good jokes here, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

The Louvre



A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," demanded the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more 'suitable subject,' but the little girl persisted.

"I want one, just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother told her daughter, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

[bigbirdbird]

On Trial

Harry is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex.

"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.

"Not Guilty, your honor."

Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"

"Easy," says Harry, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling."

"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?"

"Well, you see," answers Harry, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"