Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[KiasuJose]

Originally Posted by Citizens

More...more

Hi my rich and noisy neighbour, I'm so jealous

[moochi]

Tks for sharing jokes.

[ganlaobanniang]

Many nice jokes here, thanks for sharing.

[tubo]

Originally Posted by KiasuJose

Hi my rich and noisy neighbour, I'm so jealous

Your name and tactics are a perfect match

[Citizens]

Keep the jokes coming......

[Otaman]

Yeah...... more jokes please

[iBigCock]

Thanks for the nice jokes.

[southbrom]

Nice jokes, tks.

[Vysyble]

Thanks bro bigbirdbird for contributing great jokes!

[bigbirdbird]

Truck Driver

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door..

‘Hello', he says, 'I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?'

'Well', says the farmer, there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in one, and my young (nubile) daughter in the other.'

'Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house,' says the greatest truck driver in the world.

'All right' says the farmer, and they all went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it hard into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down furiously.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun.

He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole.

'All right', he says, 'if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, reverse out of there with a full load.......'

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts





Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?

A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins





Calling a nurse he knew after midnight, John said, "I really am sorry to call you so late at night, but I have -- well -- an erection that just won't subside and it occurred to me that you might know what to do with it." "It's pretty late for a house call," she said, "so I suggest you take a long cold shower. If that doesn't succeed in reducing the swelling, though, use it to dial me again."






A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally passed away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at the grave side and consoled each other, as is so often the way. "Oh well, at least they'll be together again," sighed one of the departed's lady friends. "Yes," replied a childhood friend with a sob, "but with which husband?" "No silly," said the snide friend, "I meant her legs."







Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns agreed to purchase four. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."





George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion. She said, "I knew. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."

[bigbirdbird]

Vaginal Reduction


A sexually active, middle-aged woman, informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret. and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found three red roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the Burn Unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[bigbirdbird]

Nude Sunbathing





The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

[bigbirdbird]

Her Dog is Hard of Hearing


My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days. '

The lady says, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist says, 'Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

'Oh, I see' said the druggest. 'In that case, stay off your bicycle for a few days'.

[bigbirdbird]

In a Public Rest Room

Bloke visits the public toilet and is standing next to a big, coloured gentleman, who smiles at him and says 6'2", 360lb, 13" wanger, Turner Brown.

The bloke looks him up and down, screams, and faints.

The black man slaps him on the face and asks, “What’s wrong man?”

He says, “Repeat what you said.”

So he says, “6'2", 360lb, 13" wanger, name’s Turner Brown.”

“Oh thank god for that,” the blokes says. “I thought you said ‘turn around’.”