Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ghoi84]

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

[Adidas020108]

great jokes here...
thanks to all bros for sharing.

[Ghoi84]

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[Ghoi84]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Ghoi84]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Ghoi84]

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce:

1. BACKBITE, v.t.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

2. BEAUTY, n.
The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

3. BELLADONNA, n.
In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

4. BORE, n.
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

5. BRIDE, n.
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

6. DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

7. FEMALE, n.
One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

8. GHOST, n.
The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

9. GRAVE, n.
A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

10. GUILLOTINE, n.
A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

[dmtpl]

What is a KISS?
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further PENETRATION with
fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
===================================


What men do after sex?
2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
===================================


Why is your penis better than a credit card?
(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.
===================================


LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our
neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
===================================


A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.
===================================


A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
===================================


Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
===================================


A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
===================================


What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!
===================================


Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".
===================================


Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".
===================================



What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.
===================================



MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"
===================================


GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!



Someone send this to me so I posted it to share with you. Forgive me if this is a re-post.

[easygoing3333]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I
want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman
replies:"I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did
you say?"
"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right
now!"
"I'm very sorry sir but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this
bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and
the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?" "
There's no damn problem, sonny,"the elderly man says. "I just won 50
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damn bank!"
" I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And are you saying that this
bitch here is giving you a hard time?"

[Roman city]

"Mom," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."
"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about
his big sister and her boyfriend.
"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I
saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face
started to go a bit funny.
Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt.
Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the
couch and said, 'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.'
Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up.
They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs around it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying
to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff.
In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped.
The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, damned me if that eel didn't stand up again.
The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in
the end Sharon did Dave's job.
She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing.
I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."

[sexluver1314]

Nice jobs bros. It make my day

[easygoing3333]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So,
he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to
take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The
elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the
lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried
with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My
wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her
mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand,
mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend
too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the
specimen cup.

[simple2kee]

great thread! it brightens my day. thanks to the participants.

[bakylotus]

An Indonesian, a Bangladeshi and a Malaysian
are in a bar one night drinking beer. The
Indonesian finished his beer suddenly throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and
shoots it into pieces. He brags, 'In Jakarta
our glasses are so cheap we don't need to
drink from it twice'.

The Bangladeshi was obviously impressed by
what he saw. Doing the same thing after
finishing his drink, he said 'In Dhaka we
have so much sand to make glasses that we too
don't have to drink from it again either'.

The Malaysian, cool as a cucumber, finished his
drink, throws his glass into the air, pulls out
his gun and shoot the Indonesian and the
Bangladeshi.

He said, 'In Kuala Lumpur, we have so many Indon
and Bangla that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice'.

[Roman city]

A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

[easygoing3333]

thanks to bros for the upz, will return once i have the power