Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 538

bigbirdbird · #**8056** 24-10-2017, 07:51 PM

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

merelyevil · #**8057** 24-10-2017, 08:01 PM

good stuff! keep it coming

JustANewbie · #**8058** 25-10-2017, 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

hahaha, this is very funny.

bigbadass · #**8059** 25-10-2017, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

Tks for the nice joke.

meijipcc · #**8060** 27-10-2017, 07:18 AM

hope there are more jokes to come. support support.

Kid A · #**8061** 27-10-2017, 11:45 AM

I heard a verrry dry one-liner the other day that had me break into a wide smile.

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.

Peace,

Kid A

Loin2022 · #**8062** 27-10-2017, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican' !

Nice joke, tks.

etsys · #**8063** 27-10-2017, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kid A

I heard a verrry dry one-liner the other day that had me break into a wide smile.

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.

Peace,

Kid A

That's class 1

yobyella · #**8064** 30-10-2017, 09:20 AM

Thanks for all the jokes guys!

GCEresult · #**8065** 30-10-2017, 07:56 PM

Nice jokes, thanks for sharing

MarlboroKen · #**8066** 30-10-2017, 09:35 PM

Nice thread. Nice effort by bros

Ihowlian · #**8067** 31-10-2017, 10:51 AM

Go for massage to relieve stress. But she wrongly did it and added more pain and stress to my arm. Come here to destress. Some jokes here are good and make sense.

Kum xia bros and sis here.

bigbirdbird · #**8068** 31-10-2017, 07:39 PM

One day, Tony died.

When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.

Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.

When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.

This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"

bigbirdbird · #**8069** 31-10-2017, 07:41 PM

One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it. "He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbors come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.

The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

bigbirdbird · #**8070** 31-10-2017, 07:42 PM

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first.

"Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."