Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

It just so happens that Princess Di and Dolly Parton make it to the gates of Heaven on the same day.

Saint Peter meets them at the gates and tells them that there is only one opening to be had so they needed to give their best reason why they should be admitted to Heaven.

Dolly opens her shirt to reveal her magnificent breasts and tells Saint Peter to take a good look.

"Have you ever seen such a marvelous sight as these that God gave me? Surely these alone should be reason enough to admit me through these gates".

Princess Di just pulls out a bottle of seltzer water, shakes it, shoves it up her privates and lets fly with the foaming water.

Saint Peter opens the gates and directs Princess Di to enter.

Dolly is incensed and says to Saint Peter "How could you let her enter??? I show you these marvelous breasts and she does an obscene act yet you let her enter before me?".

"Sorry Dolly," says Saint Peter "but you know that a Royal Flush beats a pair anyday".

[bigbirdbird]

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are.

To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid."

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she replied. He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"

[bigbirdbird]

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.

Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.

“Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired; "How much for a season pass Sir?"

[bigbirdbird]

Time to Meet the Parents





In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.

The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.

To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:


10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

[bigbirdbird]

A Fly on a Leaf beside a Lake





In the dead of Summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.

[bigbirdbird]

Intercourse Etiquette



1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.


35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

[SonOfNhat]

Fantastic jokes bro, thanks!!

[FUNNYANDHORNY]

Originally Posted by Minolta

Smelling out another pussy?

Yes. Should be too.....

[yasaka]

Originally Posted by FUNNYANDHORNY

Yes. Should be too.....

Pussy on pussy

[bigbirdbird]

On a Date


An elderly guy invited his very much younger date to have dinner with him, at his apartment.

Instead of eating and watching TV though, they get to kissing, hugging and caressing each other.

As things are getting more heated by the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.

Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his hand strays under his date's skirt.

Feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and fondling, she breathes into his ear "That's it! that's it!"

He ponders for a second and then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be! Mine was parted on the side!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two Nuns Smoking


Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later."

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.

"Good morning, sister," the pharmacist said, "what can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, "How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box."

"I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week," said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions.

But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. "Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the 'big liar' size."

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: "I'm not certain, I'm looking for something to put on a camel."

[bigbirdbird]

Idiots Guide to Sex

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

[bigbirdbird]

Stand in the Corner


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 a.m. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[bigbirdbird]

At the Casino

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated, and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She commented, "I hope ye don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck on down, rolled the dice and, in an Irish brogue, yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, then picked up her winnings -- then her clothes -- and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought YOU were watching!"


MORAL: Not ALL Irish are drunks, not ALL blondes are dumb, but ALL men... are MEN!!

[Kheele]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

At the Casino

An attractive blonde from County Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated, and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She commented, "I hope ye don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck on down, rolled the dice and, in an Irish brogue, yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, then picked up her winnings -- then her clothes -- and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought YOU were watching!"


MORAL: Not ALL Irish are drunks, not ALL blondes are dumb, but ALL men... are MEN!!

Hahaha good one bro!