Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

Girl to her boyfriend, 'One kiss and
I will be yours forever'.

The guy replies, 'Thanks for the early
warning!'.







A wife asked her husband, 'What do you
like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and
said, 'I like your sense of humour'.

[Roman city]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[bakylotus]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black
and blue...

Doctor: 'What happened?'

Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.

Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.

Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.

'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.

Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'

[bonker1314]

Originally Posted by Roman city

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

ha ha. upz you bro.

[lge8]

Originally Posted by Roman city

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

bro roman city...stay tune 2moro! thanx!

[birdie8819]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he

[birdie8819]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[birdie8819]

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me."

The bartender says, "It won't work."

"What do you mean, it won't work?"

"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"

"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"

"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly."

"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"

"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"

"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink.

Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

[birdie8819]

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

[birdie8819]

Filthy Perverted Jokes

These jokes are Crude, rude, tasteless, filthy and downright disgusting for all you sick little bastards!

If you get offended by these jokes...then delete this now and read no further!

####################

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.
lllll


The Anatomy

Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the gleans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.

lllll

Basic Up & Down

Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

lllll

Beyond Sucking

Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.



lllll

All-Around Focus

There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

lllll

Spit or Swallow

It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.



lllll



10 Advanced Tips

1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

[birdie8819]

Two Woodpeckers. ..

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[easygoing3333]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the
CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Roman city]

Little Johnny is walking by his parents bedroom when he hears alot of noise.

He opens the door and sees his dad with mom bent over the dresser having sex.

Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles and winks. He motions for Johnny to leave the room so Little Johnny leaves.

A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnnys bedroom and hears a noise.

He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex.

Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles and winks.
He says to dad:
"It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?"

[seesaw]

TEN THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:


1. Do they have a mute button?

2. Do they cook?

3. Do they clean?

4. Do they wash?

5. Do they iron?

6. Do they fuck like a pro?

7. Are their breasts big enough?

8. Do they swallow?

9. Do they swallow?

10. Do they swallow?

[seesaw]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun while you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree, immediately clutching his hand in agony.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole, still in pain. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand in front of his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."