Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[etsys]

Something to offend just about everybody!!!!


Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild love, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down his face he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma... the other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in... GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[bigbirdbird]

😂😂

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet 💊.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off .Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?"

The parrot replies - 'You have no idea how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!😂!

[Dybala]

Great jokes, thanks bro!!

[etsys]

One more racist joke

Warning, warning, warning, not for the sensitive.

Latest BBC News

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike today in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this July from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[ParkTheBus]

Nice jokes, thanks for sharing

[viviankoh]

Support support ... More jokes please !!!

[35cents]

wahaha! another nice one bro!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

😂😂

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet 💊.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off .Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?"

The parrot replies - 'You have no idea how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!😂!

[JustANewbie]

Great jokes to brighten up the day, thanks so much.

[LastChristmas]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

😂😂

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet 💊.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off .Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?"

The parrot replies - 'You have no idea how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!😂!

This is the best!!!

[S.B.Y.1]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,

"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."


Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats,

"Rock."


The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bike

[bigbirdbird]

Three d**ks are talking about what their owners are like. Two of the d**ks say their owners are really nice and like to rub them and pat them. The third d**k says that his owner is really mean. The two other d**ks ask him why, and he explains, “Well, every night my owner puts a raincoat on me, sticks me in a deep dark hole and makes me do pushups untill I throw up.”

[U2B40]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[Dybala]

Thanks all for contributing!!

[Supervert]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Three d**ks are talking about what their owners are like. Two of the d**ks say their owners are really nice and like to rub them and pat them. The third d**k says that his owner is really mean. The two other d**ks ask him why, and he explains, “Well, every night my owner puts a raincoat on me, sticks me in a deep dark hole and makes me do pushups untill I throw up.”

10 points up !!

[high5]

A foreign talent showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, "Give me a Camry". The salesman was shocked and said, "Bro, your money not enough". The Foreign talent raised his voice and said, "Look at your advertisement outside, it is written as "Camry 2000".

The salesman calmly replied, "Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it's much cheaper, "BMW 525"!!! 😅😂😅

BMW Salesman: bro go out turn right the Mercedes showroom has C 180

Merc Showoom: Bro go out turn right down the road Volvo V 40

Volvo saleman: turn left again to Audi showroom has A8

Audi Salesman: U turn to Honda showroom now they have Honda Freed😂