Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Johan was in The Pump, Clark Quay. He ordered a Corona Beer.

Rosemary was sitting next to him, "What a co-incidence! I've also ordered a Corona 🍺"

Johan, "I'm celebrating!"

Rosemary, "Me too."

Johan, "What a
coincidence?
Why are you celebrating, lady?"

Rosemary, "My husband and I have tried 4 years for a baby. Today, the doctor informed me I'm pregnant."

Johan, "What a coincidence!
I am a farmer
For 4 years, my hens couldn't lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs."

Rosemary, "Wow! How did that happen?"

Johan, "I used a different cock 🐓"

Rosemary smiled, "What a coincidence!"

[stonepaper]

Very good jokes, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.

Dave says, "Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."

"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."

Then he said softly, "But she's the Director of Pussy..."

[bigbirdbird]

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.

On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"

The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .

"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his!"

[bigbirdbird]

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[minicheque]

Wonderful jokes bro, thanks a lot!!

[stolensocks]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.

On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"

The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .

"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his!"

This is funny!!!

[DrillBeat]

Nice sharing, thanks

[bigbirdbird]

Golf Panties....


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Goodness, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[bigbirdbird]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…

[bigbirdbird]

Don's wife had recently died and she was being buried.

Don was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends.

"Don't worry Don, in five or six months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy."

"I know, I know," says Don, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"

[bigbirdbird]

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom.

Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

"Good God Holmes!" said Watson, "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."

[bigbirdbird]

Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

The sheep replied, "I'm a sheep, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a little dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm a little dirty bastard, who are you?"

She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is Christeen, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a little dirty bastard?"

Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a little dirty bastard. Everyone says so."

Christeen turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.

Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.

Christeen jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty bastard!"

Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.