Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ghoi84]

THE CELIBACY TEST



Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

[Ghoi84]

JUDGING THE SIZE



A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

[Ghoi84]

THE 10 MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN A WOMAN'S LIFE



10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."

8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."

7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."

4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[Ghoi84]

ROSES



This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.

She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"

She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"

[Ghoi84]

THE GREAT DATE



These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[Ghoi84]

DRAGON MAN



A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

[bakylotus]

A married Irish man went into the confesstional
and said to the priest, 'I almost had an affair
with another woman'.

The priest asked, 'What do you mean almost?'

The irishman said, 'Well we got undressed and
rubbed together but then I stopped'.

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same
as putting it in. You are not to see that woman
again. Say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the
poor box'.

The irishman left the confessional, said his
prayers and walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly went over to
him saying, 'I saw that, you didn't put the money
in the poor box'.

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, I rubbed the $50 on
the box and according to you, its the same as putting
it in'.

[Ahbeng69]

back here to support

[sexluver1314]

LAST NIGHT

One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.

"My wife and I got into a quarrel," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

" Yeah, except today is the LAST NIGHT."

[newlife7121]

Originally Posted by Ghoi84

JUDGING THE SIZE

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

I like this one bro.

[bakylotus]

HORSE?


A man sat quietly reading his paper
one Sunday morning. Suddenly he was
knocked senseless by his wife, who
stood behind him holding a frying
pan.

Man: 'What was that for?'

Wife: 'Why do you have a piece of
paper with the word 'Daisy' written
on it?'

Man: 'Oh honey, don't you remember
when I went to the horses two weeks
ago? Daisy was the name of the horse
I betted on'.

The wife was satisfied and apologized
for bonking him.

Three days later, he was again sitting
reading the paper, when his wife bonked
him again.

Man: 'What was it for this time?'

Wife: 'Your horse called'.

[birdie8819]

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being remodeled. Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living
room with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Pricilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses." While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says "Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied "Pricilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

[birdie8819]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[birdie8819]

Men Bashing:

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

How is a man like a microwave oven?
They both heat up instantly and go off in twenty seconds.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the smartest part.

What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.

What do men consider housecleaning?
Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!

How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

What is the difference between men and women...
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says: "I'll really miss you"

How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
The noise wakes up her husband

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?

You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?

Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander – it is too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men – you might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?
Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The ex buffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually happened to him, so I won't tell you.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.