Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A girl came home from a date.

Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me.

[readaily]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A Man shouts to his wife, come here and look at my clock
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.
She says that's not a clock.
He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.


*******

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer"

Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"

The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."

This is funny hehe

[bigbirdbird]

Types of Ladies

Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:

1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.

2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you leave.

3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.

4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.

5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed

6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.

7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called WIFE, once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted.

😝😝😜😜

[Katupnik]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
⚠
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!
⚠
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn.
Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
⚠
2 call girls were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Callgirl 1: I smell sperm!
Callgirl 2: Sorry, I burped!
⚠
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
⚠
What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
⚠
Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" has never seen a pussy before.
⚠
Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?"
God said, "Okay" and Poof!
Dracula turned into a sanitary pad!
⚠
What is the speed limit in sex?
70 - because at 69 you have to turn around.
⚠😉😂

[oneuponsix]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[pisai]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

2 call girls were in a taxi, on their way home after "work".
Callgirl 1: I smell sperm!
Callgirl 2: Sorry, I burped!
⚠😉😂

Best joke I come across LMAO

[35cents]

Nice one! Gonna write this one down too.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

⚠
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!
⚠

⚠😉😂

[lobangkingz]

Great jokes, do keep sharing.

[Advalorum]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. ...

... The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

This is absolutely true!!!

Thanks, bro.

[CigSaucer]

Originally Posted by Advalorum

This is absolutely true!!!

Thanks, bro.

Hahaha agree too

[bigbirdbird]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 1,000 Pounds to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

[bigbirdbird]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?


We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?


We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?


You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?


Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?


Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?


Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?


Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"


Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?


Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?


We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?


Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?


This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?


It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[bigbirdbird]

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four- hour pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to know, in detail, how he had made out.

The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, "What a piece of fuckin' luck I had.

I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin' broad and was she stacked!

We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin' hamburgers.

Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got friendly.

Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five minutes I had every fuckin' stitch off her."

He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?" What happened?"

And the soldier said, "What do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks?

We had sexual intercourse.

[bigbirdbird]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut,

It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might Be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.

Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,

"Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."