Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[MerlinW]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "Then he must be fucking her up the ass!"

***************


Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A. In case they have to draw blood.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter

This is a great relaxing jokes thread.

[ChainMeUp]

Thanks for all the wonderful jokes!

[S.B.Y.1]

For all the married man

🔴 A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

🔴 A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away 😟
You gave me youth, You took it away. 😟
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

🔴 A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married".

🔴 Husband : I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife : wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife : oh darling.. love u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

🔴 Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!



🔴 A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

[bigbirdbird]

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Freehold."

Then he grabs her breast and asks "what's this?"

She replies,"Point Pleasant."

Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"

"No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."

The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"

[bigbirdbird]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"

Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.

Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!!

How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

[bigbirdbird]

A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc.

The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.

Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.

Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.

"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."

At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.

"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."

Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.

At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.

Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.

To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"

[chaku]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"

Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress.

Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!!

How LOW can you get!" "Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

Up 3 for good jokes thanks.

[bigbirdbird]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[bandrosa]

Very good jokes guys, thanks!!

[Trifecta]

Very nice share TS

[Leximexi]

Thanks for contributing nice jokes!!

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

[bigbirdbird]

A Couple of Sentimental Poems


FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.


MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[bigbirdbird]

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.