Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

What Your Husband Really Wants For Christmas

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his Christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

[bigbirdbird]

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

[bigbirdbird]

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms.

The druggist says, "How old are you, son?"

The kid replies, "Eleven."

"I can't sell you any condoms," the druggist says."You're too young."

The kid says, "Gimme some rubbers or I'll call a cop."

"All right, cool it," the druggists says to the kid. "What kind of condoms do you want?"

The kid tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers."

The druggist says, "Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?"

"No," the kid replies, "but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

[AliForeman]

Very good jokes, thanks!!

[diputs1269]

Nice thread, more please.

[hydroble]

Had a good laugh!! Great jokes

[bigbirdbird]

Things you learn in Porn films


1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[bigbirdbird]

This young couple have been trying to have a baby.

After six months they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having any luck.

"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks Frank, the husband.

"What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank.

"Well, uh, that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the doctor patiently.

The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks, "Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's icky... so I shoot it into the pillow."

[bigbirdbird]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[cheongmanz]

Haha nice one

[bigbirdbird]

This guy was a real moron.

He had gone out to a bar one night, and was getting friendly with a very pretty woman at the bar.

They danced for a while.

She rubbed up against him and, to her surprise, she felt something thick and rock hard.

She invited him back to her place and took him into the bedroom.

But when he pulled off his pants, she was shocked to see a foot long length of steel pipe between his legs.

"How did you get that?" she demanded.

The moron said, "A couple of months ago I noticed my prick was dripping."

She asked, "So you went to a doctor?"

He replied, "No. The doctor was much too expensive. So I called a plumber."

[Adagio86]

LOL christmas edition

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

What Your Husband Really Wants For Christmas

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his Christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

[kYdong]

[butterpines]

Many good jokes, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the badest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.

She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.

The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".