Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BT8888]

One day, the boss of a MNC told his secretary, ‘Two days later, accompany me to Beijing.’

The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’

The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’

The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’

The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’

The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’

The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'

Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’

The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’

The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’

The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’

[ilovelife.now]

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.

[ilovelife.now]

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

[ilovelife.now]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. A carpenter was engaged - after the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."


Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you." So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[Roman city]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

[travelmate111]

nice thread

[bakylotus]

HANGING


'Where is everybody?' the cowpoke asked.

'They have all gone to see Brown Paper Pete
hang', says a bystander.

'Why do they call him that?' the cowboy asked.

'Well, he always wear a brown paper hat, a brown
paper shirt and brown paper trousers'.

'Really?' says the cowboy. 'And what are they
hanging him for?'

'Rustling'.

[bakylotus]

MOVING ON


When our school librarian announced she was changing
schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, 'Why do
you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?'

The third grade opined, 'Because she has read all our
books?'

[birdie8819]

The young Swedish au pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English.

One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!"

"That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?"

"Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

[birdie8819]

Q & A

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
Douche with beer.

Why is sex is like software?
For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
The penis.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the definition of a vicious circle?
A pussy with teeth.

How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

How do you get a woman off during sex?
Push her.


*************

Excuses

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

[birdie8819]

An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted.

After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!

The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?"

[birdie8819]

Best Joke of The Day


A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind.Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response.

"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going o get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

[sexluver1314]

Death in the Holy Land

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[ilovelife.now]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[ilovelife.now]

Question. What is the similarity between burnt toast and pregnant girlfriend?

Answer. In both cases the guy thinks, "How great it would have been if I had I took it off 2 seconds before!".