Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT:

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance
with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I
shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying
stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat
that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those
ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie
and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look
at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your
favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out
for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that
have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not
expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I
let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I
attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references
to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty",
"huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie
there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then
I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have
to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an
indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not
already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the
earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games,
barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of
women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them,
so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the
washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[Eyemo]

Thanks for sharing all these nice jokes

[bigbirdbird]

Panda at a Bar


A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman.

She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.

After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."

She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

[bigbirdbird]

Minor Surgery


A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She's laid (in the nude, wearing only a surgical gown) on a rolling bed by the nurse and brought to the corridor.

Before they enter the room, the nurse leaves her behind the surgery room door and
goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man, wearing a white coat, approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over and performs the same examination.

When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says,
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugs his shoulders, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[bigbirdbird]

Bastards and Bitches


“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?"

And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen."

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!"

"Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."

So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Screw!"

The boy asks, "Dad, what does screw mean?"

And dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs.

A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?"

The little boy asks, "What are condoms?"

And his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."

The following night his father invites over some important business clients.

The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs screwing the chicken.”

[diputs1269]

Thanks bigbirdbird for all the sexy jokes here.

[bigbirdbird]

Girls You Might See in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

[bigbirdbird]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

[bigbirdbird]

Gary, a traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard and got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.

The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, Gary, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

[bigbirdbird]

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

[bigbirdbird]

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.

He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

[bigbirdbird]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

[bigbirdbird]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out..

[bigbirdbird]

Hello young lovers! Has this ever happened to you?

You and your sweetie have finally gotten off by yourselves. You find yourself at Inspiration Point or some cozy lovers lane and things are really getting hot! You reach in your glove compartment and oh no! No condoms!

Well your next move is to ruin the moment by driving to a convenience store, humiliating yourself by getting change, then rushing into the restroom to the "Love Machine" to buy one while some weirdo watches you from the stall. Meanwhile, your sweetie has "lost the urge" sitting out in the car with the windows fogged up and asks to be taken home!

Not a pretty picture is it?

Well! Your troubles are over! RUBBER HUT is here!

Yes, our radio dispatched pink delivery vans are on patrol. We can get there in ten minutes!(Home delivery make take a little longer) We constantly patrol lovers lanes with all your favorite kinds of condoms, from drug store variety to specialty types. Just call on your cellular phone (we cater to yuppies) and we will be there in minutes with your selection.

You can easily spot our vans on patrol.

They have a pink light on their antennas with the words "SAFE SEX" hite letters. Just tell the driver what you need. We take all charge cards or we can open an account for you if you want.

Just dial, 555-LOAD or *RH on your cellular!

Rubber Hut motto:

"WHEN YOU'RE IN HEAT, WE'RE JUST DOWN THE STREET"

[bigbirdbird]

A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.

They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already on the lower bunk.

So he and his girlfriend climbed into the top bunk. As you expected, things began to heat up.

The guy remembers that his brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new position.

She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making sandwiches up there!

You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"