Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Valentine Slogans


10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie,
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister.
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[bigbirdbird]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[bigbirdbird]

Jenny taught erotic correction,
Told her student "To get an erection,
Put your dick in my mouth,
Move it north, move it south,
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
And more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny,
With fresh clover honey,
And butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
And I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
And laces and leathers,
And wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
Tie me up in some chains that are clinky...
Bring in some goats and a sheik,
Give my big titties a tweak,
And now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant,
Get the straps and the slings and a shipment
Of high-grade Vaseline,
And a strong trampoline,
And all of that other equipment!"

"Now, when we get the bedsprings a strummin',
That's when I'll start in a hummin',
Then quickly, my dear,
Put it into my ear,
So I can hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
Said her student, still covered with frosting,
"But I can say with affinity,
That I've lost my virginity...
Quite frankly, my dear... you're exhausting!"

[bigbirdbird]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

[Mastodonman]

Originally Posted by Mastodonmen

Thank you for the jokes.

Don't be an ass. Clone my nick for what?

[bigbirdbird]

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What has six legs and eats pussy?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.

[bigbirdbird]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric of their clothing when cold

weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some 'old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don' it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bonx New York.

Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats, "Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is.

The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper....

"Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

[bigbirdbird]

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis.

All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

[KwanKimKong]

Hahahaa good jokes
Thank you bigbirdbird for sharing

[bigbirdbird]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

[bigbirdbird]

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

[bigbirdbird]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that." says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!