Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Yum Cha]

Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

Snowman
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[pointmagnet]

Santa Claus' reindeers fired! Just joking ...

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
   
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
   
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
   
4. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
   
5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
   
6. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

[bigbirdbird]

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[bigbirdbird]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS



1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?


It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?


Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?


We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?


We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?


You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?


Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?


Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?


Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?


Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"


Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?


Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?


We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?


Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?


This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?


It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[bigbirdbird]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[bigbirdbird]

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.

"She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[bigbirdbird]

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen, His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal. But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast, It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't. A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach, A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see, But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. That's just some 'old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree: To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute, Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail. Don' it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."

So the bath maid takes his pecker and balls and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his balls... causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

[bigbirdbird]

KAMASUTRA LESSONS:

1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy...No wonder men suffer from high B P!

3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked

4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! And What a Fuck!

6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
Now that I've educated. You, go ahead and educate someone else.
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".
X-Spam-Subject: YES X-Spam-Subject: YES But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done”! Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters..

[bigbirdbird]

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

[bigbirdbird]

A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"

[come2see]

You Can't Stop The Voodoo ...

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."

"How does it work?" asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."

The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

The policeman got his wish.