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#6526
30-01-2014, 12:25 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
"Hair Growth"
A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?" The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..." That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?" The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow..." His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass." By Bill K 
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#6527
30-01-2014, 12:26 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
MIDNIGHT
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted. From Yahoo Board
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#6528
30-01-2014, 12:26 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
The Shoe
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him." By Steve C
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#6529
30-01-2014, 12:27 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
VASELINE
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
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#6531
03-02-2014, 02:12 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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#6532
03-02-2014, 02:15 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a license?" "No," the man said, "He doesn't need one." "Yes he does," answered the officer. "But," said the driver, I always do all the driving."
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#6533
03-02-2014, 02:16 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "That's wonderful!" returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
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#6534
03-02-2014, 02:17 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well.
"My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday present." "A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author. "I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac."
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#6535
03-02-2014, 02:18 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
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#6536
03-02-2014, 02:19 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."
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#6537
03-02-2014, 02:27 AM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
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#6538
03-02-2014, 07:04 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes! What is the definition of a goose? An animal that grows down as it grows up! Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep? She had a crook with her! What do you give a pony with a cold? Cough Stirrup! What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on? A horse! What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses! What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon! What is a horse's favorite sport? Stable tennis! What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure! What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!
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#6539
03-02-2014, 07:06 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires! Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine! What is a pigs favorite ballet? Swine Lake! What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog? Pooched eggs! How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday? Eat him on Saturday! Why did the foal cough? Because he was a little horse! What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo? Cock-a-doodle-don't! What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour? Leave it inside the cow! Where do milkshakes come from? Excited
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#6540
03-02-2014, 07:08 PM
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Re: Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]
Where do you take sick ponies?
To the horsepital! What do you say if you see a flying pig? 'I see bacon's going up'! Who tells chicken jokes? Comedihens! What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes? A swine gut! Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side! What did the lovesick bull say to the cow? 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head? A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken? An egg-splosion!
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