Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ilovelife.now]

A woman went to a pet shop and found a parrot to be interesting. She asked the shopkeeper its price.

Suddenly the parrot shouted, "Sam don't send me with her she is a whore".

Sam, the owner was mightily pissed off and drowned the parrot in water for a while and asked her - "Will you call her a whore?"

Parrot said "Yes I will". And sam drowned the parrot for some more time and took it out, and it came gasping for breath.

"Will you call her a whore?" he thundered.

"No.. !!" gasped the parrot.

Sam took the parrot to the counter and told the lady - "Talk to him, he will not talk nonsense now".

The woman, curious in testing the parrot asked - "What will you say if I bring a guy to my home?"

"It would be your husband" said the parrot.

"And if I bring 2 guys?" and parrot replied - "Your husband and your brother".

"What about 3 guys?" "It will be your husband, your brother and your brother-in-law".

Interested in testing the parrot more, she asked - "4??". The parrot called out - "Sam, bring the water bucket. I told you she is a whore!!"

[Roman city]

One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?"

The Husband answers "They're roping"

"I see" replies the bride.

After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the
bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!"

She replies "Oh ,I see."

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They
washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies.

The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?"

"Thats is my rope." he answers.

She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?"

"They are my knots" he answers.

Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says
"Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?"

The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

[beary]

Santa's Pickup Lines


10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

[beary]

Santa Claus, Inc.
North Pole

Dear _____________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming; and the Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Polacks have scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

SANTA

[beary]

This guy always wanted to marry a fat woman. So one day he was driving down the road and saw a fat gal on a John Deere tractor and wrecked his car. He was madly in love, he begged her to marry him and she said yes if he would eat her pussy and of course he was delighted.

She pulled down her pants and rolled that big fat sweaty ass up into the tire rim. He commenced to eatin that thang and she rolled up on one haunch and let a big old boiled egg fart out and he pulled his head up as if in disgust and then dived back in, again she rolled up and gave him a double dose of boiled egg fart at the same time she gets her rocks off. sweat was rolling off both of them and she stunk like dead fish and she said she would marry him but wanted to know how in hell he could he stand it.

He said honey I couldn't have made it with those two breaths of fresh air you gave me.

[bakylotus]

THE 3RD AFFAIR


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about
to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Bob had the largest private
part he had ever seen.

'I'm sorry, Mr. Bob', the mortician commented,
'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity'.

So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase
and brought it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe',
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God', exclaimed the wife. 'Bob is dead'.

[seesaw]

10 Things You Should Never Do On the Internet


Never trust anyone who goes for a potty break and never takes more than 30 seconds!

Never trust anyone who starts a conversation with the words "I AM a woman!!!!! Are you?"

Never trust someone who brags that they can remove a woman's bra in just under a minute! Any self-respecting dyke can do it MUCH faster than that!

Never trust anyone who begs for cyber sex, especially if they use the phrase "blue ovaries"!

Never give out your home phone number to someone who tells you "You might as well...I can find it anyway!"

Never join a chat room where the topic is "All Lesbians! Men welcome!" or "The channel for lesbians....and the men who love them"!

Never trust anyone who misspells the word "lesbian" or "dyke"! If they don't know if they are a woman loving woman or a water dam, they need more help than you can give them!

Never have cyber sex with anyone who begins by asking "Ok. Where do I start?"

Never have cyber sex with anyone who says "I've never done this before, but I'm really curious about what it's really like to be with another woman. Will you teach me?"

Never start a serious cyber relationship with someone who's nickname is "quickie"!

[seesaw]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,” I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, “If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

[seesaw]

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.

I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The little swallow.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her till 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

Q) Did you hear about the inventive woman who wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio?
A) She came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!

[seesaw]

Why a Christmas tree is better than a man!

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[2thousand8]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[2thousand8]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[2thousand8]

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".

[2thousand8]

Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

[2thousand8]

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.