Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

[bigbirdbird]

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze your tits. Will you let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"

The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"

The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"

The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."

"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.

Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"

The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"

Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!"

So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve!

"And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?"

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Men's Pearls of Wisdom



1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.



2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.



4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'



5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.



6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.



7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.



8. Virginity can be cured.



9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.



10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.



11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.



12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.



14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......



15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.



16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.



17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

[Cum_Luver]

good jokes, tiko lau da

kumsia kumsia all for sharing.
keep the jokes flowing in here.

[bigbirdbird]

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.

"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?" replies David.

Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want.

So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

[bigbirdbird]

DEAR DIARY


Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary..... not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Hubby thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself...and he did.

Day 16.

The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh NO !!! here he comes again.

Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

[bigbirdbird]

Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms.

Angry Dragon - Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles - A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle - The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking - Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw - A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick - This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco - You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It - Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie - You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski - When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle - The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face - When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special - Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner - While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog - When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza - Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer - The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing - Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch - The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction - First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight - The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an over sized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew - Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

[dingdong11]

Two guys were carpooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouted, "What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style befo
re."
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?"
The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!"

[dingdong11]

Two blondes are walking through the woods ,when they came upon some tracks. The first blonde states .."Those are bear tracks." "No" says the second ,"Those are deer tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them!!!!

[dingdong11]

A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing an give them a try. After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked?
"I saw the reflection in my shinny new boots", he said.
"Here she sa
id dance with my sister an tell what color she has on", the lady said.
After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs an started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the lady "what color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sign of relief the young man said, "oh good for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."

[MrBin]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[MrBin]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

[MrBin]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[MrBin]

A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The sales assistant said: "Are you sure, sir" You look like a size 12 to me."

"Just bring me a size 8," insisted the customer.

So the assistant fetched a pair of size 8 shoes and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort. He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain.

"Listen," he explained, "I've lost my house to the taxman, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my son just told me he's gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off!"

[MrBin]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."