Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A Delta flight was coming in to land at JFK airport, when the captain flicked on the intercom system and says, “I would like to thank you all for choosing Delta for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction, and you had a great holiday, we will be landing shortly."

The captain puts down the intercom but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says, “what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "

The captain replies, “I am going to have a good shit first, then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."

The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realizing the intercom has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said, when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says, “there’s no rush dear,he's going to have a good shit first ."

[bigbirdbird]

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, "George how's you wife in bed?"

George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

[bigbirdbird]

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck! Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse.
Look what he did to my tits!

[bigbirdbird]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, he handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she,
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[bigbirdbird]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

[bigbirdbird]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina untl i get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese.

The doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[bigbirdbird]

Secrets Of Chinese Medicine

I was with my father the other day and I made a reference to the aging process and it's effects on the seldom noticed functions of the body.

He and said, "What are you having problems with?"

I told him nothing was wrong, but I was beginning to feel "older."

"You need to get a complete physical," he said in his matter-of-fact way. "I'll fix you up with Dr. Cheng. He's Chinese, and you know how smart they are."

It's no secret to me that my father has an affinity for the Chinese people. All my life I've been hearing how smart they are. Every procedure that's been done on my father has been performed by one Chinese doctor or another, and he's always come through remarkably. He often argues with my mother about her doctors because she accepts any old specialist. Not him. If the doctor's not Chinese he's not touching my dad.

"You know, dad. This time I may just take you up on your referral of a Chinese doctor," I said thoughtfully.

"Good," he said. "What convinced you?"

"Well," I said, "if someone is going to be putting their finger up my ass, it might as well be a guy with small hands."

[Marikita Didi]

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Marikita Didi]

The Bush Stamp

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

[Marikita Didi]

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency

Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 1, 2008. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 5 years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai , India will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

[Marikita Didi]

Saint George

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.

His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and
making the United States the most hated country on earth.

He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney...

George W. Bush is a saint."

[Marikita Didi]

Battle Hymn of the Republicans
(to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Mine Eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
He has blathered all the drivel that the neo-cons can push;
He has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on.

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for the policies -- or is he just their tool?
The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir;
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier;
Let the smokestacks keep polluting -- do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Your safety net is gone!

Now he's got a mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state;
Though the whole world knows its crazy -- and the U.N. says to wait;
When he doesn't have the evidence, "We must prevaricate."
Diplomacy is done!

Oh, a trumped-up war is excellent; we have no moral bounds;
Should the reasons be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds;
Enraging several billions -- to his brainlessness redounds;
The Doofus marches on!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
THIS...DOO...FUS...MAR...CHES...ON

[Marikita Didi]

The Coded Message

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Marikita Didi]

25 Things To Do BEFORE the Bush Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.

2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.

3. Cash a Social Security check.

4. See a doctor of your own choosing.

5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.

6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).

7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.

8. Hoard gasoline.

9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.

10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.

11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.

12. Stay out late before the curfews start.

13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".

14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

15. Use the phrase "you can't do that - this is America".

16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.

19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.

20. Learn French.

21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.

22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.

23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.

24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".

25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

[Marikita Didi]

The Bushes and Clintons on a Train

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.