Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. "Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do.

One: Take out your penie-pipe.

Two: Pull back the foreskin.

Three: Pee.

Four: Push back your foreskin.

Five: Put your equipment back."

The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"

"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.

I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four....."

[bigbirdbird]

Ways to piss a guy off ....


Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop.

Tell him his brother is a better lay.

Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.

Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.

Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.

Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."

Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.

Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name.

Call your mom. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you.

Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, "It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket.

Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes.

Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he's the father.

Write a letter to another guy during sex.

Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.

Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.

Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he's ever had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it won't matter."

Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute.

Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents.

Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.

Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.

Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.

Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.

Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.

[Sammyboyforum]

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

[Sammyboyforum]

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am g oing to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

[Sammyboyforum]

here were these 3 Riverside City Firemen who always went bird hunting together and they always rented a hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would always hold point and find any birds they shoot. One year they did't go hunting and the farmer rented Rex out to some Corona City Firemen who used him that season. The next year the Riverside guys went to rent Rex from the farmer for hunting but the farmer had bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any good for hunting and didn't have a replacement for him and to tell the Corona firemen they were not welcome there any more and that if he saw them he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex. The R.F.D. guys asked the farmer what the Corona boys did that could be so bad. Well the farmer said last year when they rented Rex it all started off fine until one of the Corona guys decided to rename him. We ll whats wrong with that they asked. The farmer said they renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark all the time.

[Sammyboyforum]

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself, "I'm a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in. I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir." While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF". The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was pissed and went to talk to the angels. He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all wrong, sir. That's God, he just thinks he's a Fire Chief."

[Sammyboyforum]

One day a boy was drowning in a near by lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. With great amazement water was pooring from the boys mouth. Each time the firefighter pumped more water came out. A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boys mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop. Just then, a paramedic arrived and quickly ran over to the firefighter and b lurted out. "Hey Chief! You better get that kids ass out of the water before you pump that lake dry".

[Sammyboyforum]

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said, "Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."

[Sammyboyforum]

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

[primafacie]

A man was driving home when he saw a guy jogging in the nude. He leaned out the car window and asked the naked guy,"Why?"
The man in the buff answered." Because you came home early."

[primafacie]

How is visiting a prostitute like bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you're dead.

[bigbirdbird]

How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off, get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

[bigbirdbird]

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.

He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Tammy.

[bigbirdbird]

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong.

Bill said, "As you know, I am looking for employment.

I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.

My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."

[bigbirdbird]

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.