Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

"National Condom Week?"

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that won't be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just want a lift...

KFC Condoms
When you just need to :wing" it.

ASPCA Condoms
For that lil' pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know "what time it is!"

Lassie Condoms
When you know she's a bitch, but you're gonna do her anyway.

George W. Bush Condoms
When "Junior" wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When you're bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When it's on the tip of your tongue.

Electrical Condoms
Cures the shorts in your pants!

[beary]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[beary]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."


"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[bakylotus]

ONE HOLE BEHIND


A guy was playing golf and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went
to her and said, 'Can you please help
me, I don't know what hole I'm on'.

She told him, 'You're one hole behind me.
I'm on 7 and you are on 6'. He thanked
her and continued playing golf.

Later he got lost again. He saw the lady
again and went up to her kind of embarrassed.
I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost
again. Can you tell me what hole I'm on'.

She told him, 'You are one hole behind me. I'm
on 14 and you are on 13'. Again he thanked her
and continued playing golf.

When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her
a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As
they were drinking and talking, he asked her
what she did for a living.

'I'm in sales', she said.

He replied, 'No kidding, so am I, what do you sell?'

She said it is too embarrassing to tell. But after
he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally,
she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.

She said, 'I sell KOTEX, the sanitary napkins.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied, still with tears in his eyes, 'I'm sorry,
I couldn't help it, I sell toilet paper... I'm still one
hole behind you'.

[Playman]

Three sisters' wedding nights....


Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[seesaw]

Japanese Hotel

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

[seesaw]

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

[Roman city]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[Roman city]

There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."
With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

[Roman city]

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

[bakylotus]

CHANGE OF PLEA


After a trial that went on for 3 days,
Finley, the man accused of committing
the crimes, stood up and approached
the judge's bench. 'Your honor, I would
like to change my plea of not guilty to
guilty of the charges', he said.

The judge angrily bang his fist on his
desk. 'If you are guilty why didn't you
said so in the first place and save the
court time and inconvenience?', the
judge thundered.

Finley looked up wide eyed and stated,
'Well, when the trial started, I thought
I was innocent of the charges, but that
was before I heard all the evidence
against me'.

[Waiting85]

There was a man driving on the pie when he saw a sign saying "Real prostitute nuns, 10 km". He was rather interested but he thought that it was a joke, so he kept driving.

After 5 minutes he saw another sign that said "Real prostitute nuns, 5km". By then he had a huge hard on in his pants, and he started driving faster.

Finally he arrived at a church with a sign that said "prostitute nuns, get them here!" He was so horny by the idea of having sex with nuns that parked his car and walked right through the doors of the church.

A very sexy nun was standing there and she said, "You must be here to have sex with a prostitute nun. Put $50 in this cup and walk through that coridoor, and your dream will come true." So the man put $50 in the cup and started walking through the narrow dark coridoor while taking off his pants.

When the man finally emerged from the coridoor, he found himself back in the carpark where a sign said "God bless you, you've been screwed!"

[ilovelife.now]

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

[ilovelife.now]

Question. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

Answer. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

[QQBoy]

有七等男人

一等男人，家外有家；
二等男人，家外有花；
三等男人，急了乱抓；
四等男人，下班回家；
五等男人，她不在家；
六等男人，她有个他;
七等男人，她的他在家