Getting a Divorce

[loneyheart]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

Once again, I thank my brothers for all the good advices.

Let me share more.

There was once in a drunken state at home, she threw plates, vases, bottles, chairs, fans, etc. One of which hit the back of my head and caused a bump. Police came, followed by ambulance. Police took a record and told me its a "non-arrestable offence". There is a police report number and classification under "Voluntarily Causing Hurt". I was not sure WtF it means as my head was still hurting. Went to hospital, took 3 injections and given 5 days MC. Doctor asked me whether I need go IMH as I was emotionally unstable at that point. Police said they cannot do anything, asked me to Family Justice Court.

For my son, I did not pursue this matter. Am I wrong? What should I have done instead?

Upped u back bro Thxs

[Timely Rain]

Thank you again for your kind advices.

I dun measure gains or losses, whether in monetary terms or not, on my marriage. Ever since I got married, I gave all for my newly-formed family and stopped all the "messing outside". I wanted to give her a new life. It was sweet for the first few years but gradually the relationship deteriorated to the current state.

Only thing holding back is my son. I cannot imagine a day when I go home and not see his happy face, hear his noise and feel his hugs. I know this has a negative impact on him. Whenever we argued, he will hit his fist on the wall. I have also received calls from school that he was fighting in school. I tried to counsel him, but he said he cannot control his anger and become aggressive easily. Now he is called a bully in school.

With all the sufferings, I can only seek short moments of joy "messing outside" to escape this reality.

But the pain is getting unbearable......

[larue]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

Only thing holding back is my son. I cannot imagine a day when I go home and not see his happy face, hear his noise and feel his hugs. I know this has a negative impact on him. Whenever we argued, he will hit his fist on the wall. I have also received calls from school that he was fighting in school. I tried to counsel him, but he said he cannot control his anger and become aggressive easily. Now he is called a bully in school.

Do it for your son, take him out of this environment. Fight for care and control.

It will take time, but eventually you will be thankful that you did it.

My own child is doing so much better than if his parents had stayed together.

Staying together for the child can be very bad for the child if the parents cannot work together.

Don't let your child be an excuse for staying together. That's doing him a disservice.

[iluvbreast]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

Thank you again for your kind advices.

I dun measure gains or losses, whether in monetary terms or not, on my marriage. Ever since I got married, I gave all for my newly-formed family and stopped all the "messing outside". I wanted to give her a new life. It was sweet for the first few years but gradually the relationship deteriorated to the current state.

Only thing holding back is my son. I cannot imagine a day when I go home and not see his happy face, hear his noise and feel his hugs. I know this has a negative impact on him. Whenever we argued, he will hit his fist on the wall. I have also received calls from school that he was fighting in school. I tried to counsel him, but he said he cannot control his anger and become aggressive easily. Now he is called a bully in school.

With all the sufferings, I can only seek short moments of joy "messing outside" to escape this reality.

But the pain is getting unbearable......

I only saw your thread today, so here are some suggestions from someone who went through a divorced:

Before you bring up the topic of Divorce to your SO, always always consult your lawyer first...I see from your post that your have talk it through with your wife, I assume you have spoken to your lawyer before that.

I quote my lawyer: ".....No party (in the marriage) is suppose to make a gain from the divorce..." That pretty much sums up what your wife will or will not get after you divorce.

For instance, your wife asking for 90% of your income? possible? yes if you are willing to give it to her, but then again reasonable? obviously not, because you are suppose to move and maybe have another go at marriage, then how to marry with only 10% of your income?

Then there are some comments about assets being split 50-50? This is dumb, who say so? Then again, did the idiot mentioned that it is only for matrimonial assets?

There is no 50-50 rule, it depends on how much contribution each party gave during the course of marriage, and how your lawyer bargain in court.

Then again, please remember divorcing is a lot like the fish market, there is a lot of bargaining, and in the event if both parties cannot resolve then there is a need to get a decision from the judge, this is call a judgement.

Ultimately there is only 1 advice you need to remember, get a good lawyer, and sit down with him (or her) to go through what you want out of the divorce, be it care and control of the child (not custody, that is always joint unless either party gives it up or the judge deem not fit to have it), asset etc. This should have been done before you bring it up to your wife (because the first lawyer you speak to may not be the right one), nevertheless it is still not too late, so quickly go seek legal advice; because he will be fighting for you, not us.

again I quote my lawyer:"....whatever assets you managed to retain, you have a choice to give the other party as good will after the divorce is completed, or you may need to continue your life which is important because you have a dependent (my kid)..."

[sundial]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

Once again, I thank my brothers for all the good advices.

Let me share more.

There was once in a drunken state at home, she threw plates, vases, bottles, chairs, fans, etc. One of which hit the back of my head and caused a bump. Police came, followed by ambulance. Police took a record and told me its a "non-arrestable offence". There is a police report number and classification under "Voluntarily Causing Hurt". I was not sure WtF it means as my head was still hurting. Went to hospital, took 3 injections and given 5 days MC. Doctor asked me whether I need go IMH as I was emotionally unstable at that point. Police said they cannot do anything, asked me to Family Justice Court.

For my son, I did not pursue this matter. Am I wrong? What should I have done instead?

file a PPO please - this will help record and protect yourself

[JacqueMerlin]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

1) Kid sticks with both of us. He is the only reason why we are still under the same roof.
2) I earn more.
3) She is addicted to alcohol and will create a storm when drunk 2 to 3 times a week. This happened since COVID shutdown. I am very mentally stressed by this, cannot sleep in peace, to the extent of going crazy myself and even think of commit suicide.



To be frank, I dun know. She cannot do without the child. She always use child as ransom. So i think she will put in unreasonable demands. Although we lived under same roof, we have separated bed for 10 years. I am male party.

Prove that she is an alcoholic and your child is affected, fight for custody. Otherwise you Will be ruined. Including your child.

[papanapa]

protect your son and yourself first, i believe you should gather evidence, leave the relationship, take your son with you and start a new life.

[pinkniprunner]

Originally Posted by JacqueMerlin

Prove that she is an alcoholic and your child is affected, fight for custody. Otherwise you Will be ruined. Including your child.

ya the negative effects already can see like you mention he fighting in school and all that need to leave and put extra love and care to let him be better

[Ameliamence]

Lets say I find a way to get exparte divorce from India. What will be benefit of that? Will that keep 498a, DV and maintenance at abeyance?

Or it will be just waste of money and time.

[AnnieYJL]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

Once again, I thank my brothers for all the good advices.

Let me share more.

There was once in a drunken state at home, she threw plates, vases, bottles, chairs, fans, etc. One of which hit the back of my head and caused a bump. Police came, followed by ambulance. Police took a record and told me its a "non-arrestable offence". There is a police report number and classification under "Voluntarily Causing Hurt". I was not sure WtF it means as my head was still hurting. Went to hospital, took 3 injections and given 5 days MC. Doctor asked me whether I need go IMH as I was emotionally unstable at that point. Police said they cannot do anything, asked me to Family Justice Court.

For my son, I did not pursue this matter. Am I wrong? What should I have done instead?

Why did your wife treat you like this? I didn’t know woman can drink till like this. Kind of crazy to do all these and hurts those you love…all the best

[bignehneh]

I would say need both to accommodate one another. Sometimes it is due to mismatch. Like my friend treat his wife like a sex doll

[cmelater]

I went through a divorce years ago. It was initially quoted at 3k by a law firm. Then, my ex gotten some "advice" in the background and wanted make life hard. We had no kids, but she wanted more and more, including house plus monthly alimony.

Giving away the house was not as easy as I sign paper and finish. Apparently, need to "gift away" the cpf used to pay for house. The law firm's lawyer was incompetent and told me that I need to pay back cpf to cover back the cpf used. Pay back in cash.

I wrote to cpf and gotten official confirmation that no need pay back cpf, but the divorce papers need to have specific wording stating so. However, my ex was a conniving bugger. She insisted no change in wording, so that I would blow a hole in my wallet paying off the cpf used.

At the same time, the legal cost was running up. Madness... And, there was no adultery. Only thing was my ex was crazy.... She brought me to court to sue for alimony. To think she was a cute little angel before marriage..... anyway, that was history. Today she still like a cute angel, but the scene in court was horror and hell.

Fortunately, I went to look for another lawyer (recommended through a friend). That lawyer settled my case within weeks. Whereas the earlier lawyer took months and could not resolve my case.

Point is, cheap doesn't mean good. Good comes at a price. Better pay for good than cheap. Cos cheap comes with too many issues. This isn't the same as taking bus vs cab. Both will reach the same destination with different amounts of time. But divorce through a competent vs incompetent lawyer is totally different. The difference is day and night, not different shades of grey.

PS: My advice for all bros going through this is do your homework before committing to the terms of divorce. Women.... not very friendly when going through divorce. The cunning ones will make the guy put the conditions on text and use it to press the guy to give. Affairs of the heart is easier of entry than exit.

PSPS: My latest ex was telling me what I have to do after we got married, including household finances and that I need to disclose whatever I was earning. This was so that she would have a hold on the marriage. But, I dumped her anyway. Honestly, a divorce is once too many. Easy to marry based on feelings, but difficult to exit based on rational mind. Thats why an old saying goes "Marriage is the only war where man sleeps with the enemy."

PSPSPS: As I write now, I feel deep relief from all that crap. To all the bros going through this, choose the RIGHT LAWYER. (emphasis intended).

[Lordofkorat]

Originally Posted by bignehneh

I would say need both to accommodate one another. Sometimes it is due to mismatch. Like my friend treat his wife like a sex doll

this is true, need both willing parties though. if only one sided then no use

[centvin]

Originally Posted by Timely Rain

1) Kid sticks with both of us. He is the only reason why we are still under the same roof.
2) I earn more.
3) She is addicted to alcohol and will create a storm when drunk 2 to 3 times a week. This happened since COVID shutdown. I am very mentally stressed by this, cannot sleep in peace, to the extent of going crazy myself and even think of commit suicide.



To be frank, I dun know. She cannot do without the child. She always use child as ransom. So i think she will put in unreasonable demands. Although we lived under same roof, we have separated bed for 10 years. I am male party.

Reading ur background, I think we had quite the same reasons for divorce. I just finalised all the process except now in midst for taking over her shares in the hse. U can pm me to discuss if need to. I felt that men are always disadvantage no matter if we can justify wrong or right. It's a very tough and long process.

[Timely Rain]

Thank you all for the inputs. I learnt so much.

My son asks me not to divorce until he reaches 18. I cannot read his mind.