Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Notsocheap]

One night this gut and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartmant and before he can open his door his girlfriend says

"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door''

So the guy says "Well give me some examples''

So the girlfriend proceeds to till him, "well the first way is, if a gut shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me''

Then she says "The second way is if a man tumbles around and can't seem to find the hole then that means he is enexperienced and that isn't for me either''

Then she asks, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?''

He then proceeds to answer, "Well before I do anything else I lick the lock''

[Notsocheap]

A 90 year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

"Everyone tells me I need a check up to see if I'm sexually fit'' he says to the doctor.

"O.K.'' says the medic, "let me see your sex organs.

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

[Notsocheap]

"Why don't you take the day off?'' said one of his workmates.

"But the boss wouldn't like it'' said Prem coughing and sneezing.

"Don't worry, he's never here on wednesdays anyway''

So Prem took his friend's advice and went home.

As he passed his bedroom window, he saw his boss in bed with his wife. He rushed back to the office and said to his mate "That was a close one, to be sure I nearly got caught!''

[Notsocheap]

She came screaming into the police station

"This guy broke into my apartment'' she said. "

He ripped off my clothes and threw me onto the floor. When I lay there naked, he grabbed my purse and ran off!!''

"Did you scream?'' asked the inspector.

"Of course not'' she replied.

"How would I know he was going to rob me?''

[Notsocheap]

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?

The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?''

The nympho says "Are you done already?''

The blonde says "Beige ... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!''

[Notsocheap]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tries this new method with 6 steps:

1 Unbotton pants

2 Pull pants down

3 Pull foreskin back

4 Pee

5 Push foreskin forward

6 Pull pants up and button up

she walked past the bathroom one day and heard johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard his saying real fast 3-5,3-5.3-5 ...

[Notsocheap]

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.

"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.

"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.

"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

[Notsocheap]

This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Shit!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed.

It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

[Notsocheap]

There are three ladies all sitting next to each other on a plane, a blonde, a red head and an african american. All of a sudden the captain comes over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. .. The plane is having problems and we are going to crash."

The blonde immediately starts to put on Her make up. The other ladies asked Her why. "Well, I heard that when the plane goes down the first thing they look for are the pretty ones."

So, after thinking about it, the redhead started to unbutton her shirt.

The others asked Her why. "I heard that the first thing that they look for are women with big tits."

Finally the african american woman starts to take off her pants and underwear.

Shocked, the ladies asked Her why.

"Ladies, just so you know. .. I always heard that the first thing they look for when the plane goes down is the black box!"

[Notsocheap]

Mark and Angela go on their honeymoon; and Mark spends hours of the honeymoon night eating Angela’s pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. During their meal Mark suddenly freaks out screaming “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”

The waiter promptly runs over to the table and asks, “Can I help you, sir?”

Mark yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!”

The waiter apologizes profusely as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Angela looks over at Mark, shaking her head, and whispers “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair!” Mark says,

“Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?”

[Notsocheap]

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.

"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

[Notsocheap]

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....

"I'm going to have a puppy!"

[Notsocheap]

HOW WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT



Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?



HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".



The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

[Notsocheap]

SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?



Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage:

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"

* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?

* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.

* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?

* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?

[Notsocheap]

THE FEMALE RULES



1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.