Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[medic542]

WHICH SIDE?



A biker walks into a neighborhood bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherf*ckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[medic542]

FEELING YOUNG AGAIN



Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"

[medic542]

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN



- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

[medic542]

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS



- Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.

- Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the middle.

- Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF !

- Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin... just in case!

- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to

[medic542]

THE SECRET OF VIRILITY



Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

[medic542]

SIGNS THAT YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE



* Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

* Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

* Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

* Granny found handcuffed to her walker.

* Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

* Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

* Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

* You've just seen their photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

* Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

* Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

[medic542]

ELDERLY SEX



A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"

[Boediono]

Keep the jokes coming bros .

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationery.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.


Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae.

He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.

The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?"

So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "

You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."

"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."

[YY Tell Me Why?]

The President and Native Americans

It was election time, so Barack Obama decided to go out to the local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans.

They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

Obama had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

Obama was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, Obama was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.

Wanting to show his interest, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Barack Obama Jokes -- Jokes about Obama

Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water.

With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him.

It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President Obama, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim.

When President Obama caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.

The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered.

"I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country."

The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy.

The third boy chose the Naval Academy.

The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking.

Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery"

The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age.

The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

Obama Jokes -- Michelle Obama Joke

The President and Mrs. Mitchelle Obama are in the front row at a Yankees game.

The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents, one of whom leans over and whispers something into the President's ear.

As soon as he finishes, Mr. Obama grabs Mitchelle by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.

Mitchelle falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.

The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers,

"Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

Barack Obama Jokes -- Anti Obama Jokes

A seedy-looking old man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the President as he delivered a lengthy speech.

Finally the president pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of America?"

"Well, Mr. Obama," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

Barack Obama Jokes -- Little Johnny Meets Obama

Little Johnny is at it again... President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy?'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says Little johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident either

[YY Tell Me Why?]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle...

Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.

The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.

They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:

“You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

Hilarious Comedy Jokes -- Funny Hilarious Comedy Jokes -- Basketball Jokes

Olaf and Lena were on a baseball bus trip from Fargo, North Dakota to Minneapolis, Minnesota, to see the Twins baseball game.

Thirty miles out of Fargo, the bus broke down and all passengers had to disembark.

Olaf says to Lena, “Hey, Lena, let’s go over dere in da bushes and have some fun.” “Oh, no,” says Lena. ” Ve couldn’t do dat.”

They get back on the repaired bus, but the bus breaks down again 50 miles farther down the road.

Again Olaf asks Lena to join him for some fun in the bushes, but she again refuses.

The bus repaired, they get back on, drive 29 miles more, and again the bus breaks down, and Olaf asks Lena, “Can we go over dare in da bushes and have some fun? Lena says, “Ya, ve can do dat.”

So they go over and have their fun. Back on the bus, Olaf asks Lena why she refused the first two times, but accepted the third time.

Lena replies, “Vell, I heard somebody on the bus say that if dis bus doesn’t get to Minneapolis pretty soon, the f***ing season will soon be over.”

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A hiker gets lost and ends up spending a few days wandering around in the woods looking for food.

Finally, he catches a bald eagle, hits it with a big rock, and starts eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the eagle, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge.

“But out of curiosity - what did the bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honour,” the hiker says,

“it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a woodpecker.”

[YY Tell Me Why?]

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says

"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says

"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok.

The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"