Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Kids on the Old and New Testaments
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!

* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

* David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

* The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles.

* One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

* Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[YY Tell Me Why?]

If the Bible Was Written By College Students...
Top Ten Ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to [email protected].
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Mexican Fisherman
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions?...Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[beary]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[beary]

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day.

"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.

When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.

"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.

"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a coupe of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

[bigbirdbird]

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But, Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," said the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.

With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And, they all attacked at one time, and he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

[bigbirdbird]

The Penis List

* The Absolut Vodka penis: It's absolut' perfection.
* The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
* The All-State penis: You're in good hands.
* The American Express penis: Don't leave home without it.
* The AOL penis: It's so easy to use, no wonder it's #1?
* The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
* The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.
* The Barney penis: It says "I love you!"
* The Beavis penis: Look! it's changing color!
* The Beef penis: It's what's for dinner.
* The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
* The Big Red penis: It's longer with big red.
* The Borden penis: It's GOT to be good.
* The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
* The Budweiser penis: This bud's for you!
* The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
* The C&C Music Factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
* The California Lotto penis: Who's next?
* The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.
* The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
* The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
* The Champion penis: The official penis of the '96 U.S.A olympic team.
* The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
* The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
* The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip.
* The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
* The Citibank Visa penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
* The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without getting bruised.
* The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
* The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
* The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
* The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
* The Dial penis: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
* The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
* The Dodge Neon penis: There's a "lot more to love!"
* The Domino's Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
* The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
* The Doublemint penis: Chewing really satisfies.
* The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going...
* The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
* The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
* The Excedrin penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
* The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!
* The Flintstone's Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
* The Ford penis: The best never rest.
* The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It's the oooh without the ouch.
* The Frosted Flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
* The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
* The FTD penis: Some of life's best moments come FTD.
* The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
* The Generic penis: One size fits all.
* The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that....tree?
* The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
* The GMC Envoy penis: It's the real McCoy.
* The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically engineered.
* The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.
* The Helene Zinn penis: You can't eat that!!!
* The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.
* The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle...
* The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
* The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
* The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
* The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.
* The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
* The Knick Knack Patty Wack penis: This old man comes rolling home!!
* The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one!
* The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
* The Life Call penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
* The Little Caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
* The Lucky Charms penis: They're magically delicious!
* The Luv's penis: It'll take a load off your mind.
* The Macintosh penis: It does more,it costs less,it's that simple.
* The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
* The McDonald's penis: Over 8 billion served.
* The McDonald's penis: Have you had your break today?
* The MCI penis: For friends and family!
* The Men's Healthy Magazine penis: It's a perfect fit.
* The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
* The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
* The Milk penis: It does a body good!
* The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
* The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
* The Monty Python penis II: "Every sperm is sacred...."
* The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.
* The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
* The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey - you never know.
* The Newport penis: It's alive with pleasure.
* The Nike penis: Just do it.
* The Nintendo penis: Now you're playing with power.
* The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
* The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
* The Oasics Running Shoe penis: There's one less excuse to skip a day.
* The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
* The Phillips MOM penis: It's always stimulant free.
* The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
* The Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
* The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
* The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
* The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into "Post Select fits.
* The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
* The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can't stop...
* The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
* The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.
* The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
* The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
* The Reese's penis: How do you eat your penis?
* The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
* The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
* The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
* The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom...
* The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
* The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
* The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
* The Sega penis: PENIS!
* The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
* The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
* The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
* The Speed Stick Ultimate penis: It kills 99% of odor-causing germs for 24 hours.
* The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.
* The Sprite penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
* The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
* The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
* The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don't shine.
* The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
* The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat !
* The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.......
* The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
* The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take ...?
* The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
* The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
* The Transformers penis: It's more than meets the eye.
* The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.
* The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.
* The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
* The Virginia Slims penis: You've come a long way, baby!
* The Wendy's penis: Where's the beef?
* The Wendy's penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
* The Wizard of Oz penis: "Oh my!"
* The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.

[bigbirdbird]

Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.

His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour).

About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.

The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.

He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.

The Farmer said the bear would not bother him.

The salesman went to the barn.

Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn-no lights and the tame bear.

Salesmen left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer.

He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door.

When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.

The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.

[bigbirdbird]

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this
knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"


***********


A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

[Nov4]

Some really funny clips.

Check out 00:36, the dude got owned !!

[bigbirdbird]

YOU laid on my naked body and applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation. You drove me near crazy while you drained me. Today when I awoke, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail. Only the sheets bore last night's events. My body still bears marks of your ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you............................................... ....... YOU FRICKING MOSTIQUO !!! **

[nonok]

Girls Night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[nonok]

the Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it’s not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[loh1991]

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do
they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in
and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks
out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes
in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen for teh-tarik..."

[Kelvincwp]

Why man got 2 head?
Cos when man got head arch, man can use small head to think!
Why woman got 2 mouth?
Cos when woman talk too much, and man got head arch, man will look for the other mouth!