Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[GiMan]

Something funny to lighten your day....

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into
stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his
country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get
fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1
banana, 2 peanuts
&1tea-spoon of starch!

[GiMan]

ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"

SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to
be satisfied with self-service"

HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

[GiMan]

GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can
tell a woman to
take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll
rather have a baby
than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly."

VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her
tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten
everything.

[GiMan]

THE ROOSTER

A priest has a number of hens and one rooster. One Saturday he goes into the coop to get some eggs, and can't find the rooster. This bothers him because he knows that some people in the community engage in cock fighting and may have stolen his rooster.

The priest figures he can find the culprit at church the next day. On Sunday, he gets up in the pulpit and says, "All of you who have a cock, stand up!"

ALL THE MEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

"No, no!" says the priest, "I mean all of you who have seen a cock, please stand up."

ALL THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

"No, no!" says the priest, "I mean, all of you who have seen a cock that doesn't belong to you, stand up."

HALF OF THE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH STOOD UP.

"No! You still don't understand. All of you who have seen my cock, stand up."

ALL OF THE NUNS AND HALF THE ALTAR BOYS STOOD UP

[GiMan]

WIVES
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is: "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[S.B.Y.1]

[RoboRaptor]

THIS GOOD ONE TO CHEER YOU UP......

A family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers; 'Well, son, a woman goes through
three
phases.

In her 20's, a woman's Breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's
to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they
are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through
three phases also.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In
his 30's and
40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's,
it is like a
Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for
decoration.

[RoboRaptor]

1) What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

2) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex? 2% eat. 3% smoke
cigarettes. 4% take shower.5% go to sleep. 86% get up and go back home
to their wives.

3) Why is your dick better than a credit card?
a).Once spent recharges itself.
b).It is accepted worldwide.
c).You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

4) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a
penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it 's salty!!!

5) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

7) Women top 5 lies:
e). I am a virgin.
d). It is so big.
c). I can't do that to my best friend.
b). I won't gain weight after marriage
a). I am coming! I am coming !!!

8). A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you
disappear.

9) What is the closest thing to a woman's period ?

Your SALARY.... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it
doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

10 ) Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up
high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

11) Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say
"TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

12) What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain??

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when
you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

[RoboRaptor]

Durian Joke:

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: 'Lewlian wu kalau boh?(durians got dropped or not?).'
Ah Lian shouted: 'boh kalau lah!'

So Ah Beng continued with the journey. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.

He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet?'
Ah Lian was very angry and replied: 'Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!'

[RoboRaptor]

Happy and Sad:

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.

"Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time."

She replied. "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

[RoboRaptor]

LOST IN THE DAMNEDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[RoboRaptor]

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

[RoboRaptor]

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer .'

[RoboRaptor]

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[RoboRaptor]

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious... !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'