Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[hoonkeetan]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.

He says "well, pussy and bitch".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

Little Johnny thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"

Little Johnny tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[hoonkeetan]

Bob and the Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm , sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV..

The 10pm news came on covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news so I knew he'd jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[hoonkeetan]

What a coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar......sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock ," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence...."

[hoonkeetan]

The art of Hunting

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

"But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us ?' . . . well, I guess I just panicked.

[BaliHai]

Two gay guys were dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"

The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"


******


A young couple in love finally got all approvals and set their wedding date.

The frisky bride-to-be cuddles up to her fiancee and said, "Darling,you know I want to fulfill this fantasy of mine to make love before we get married. Could we?"

"But it's not long until June, dear," The cautious groom-to-bereplied .

"Oh," she exclaimed. "And how long will it be in June, you think?"

[BaliHai]

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."


*****


A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.

She asked him,

"What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...

She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.

After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!"

[seesaw]

A young girl goes to her doctor very embarassed with a problem downstairs.

After a lot of persausion the doctor finally gets her to remove her knickers which reveals that the girl has three vaginas

One on the left, one as usual in the middle and one to the right.

The doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head muttering things under his breath and disappears into the pharmacy next door.

He comes back a few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof plasters.

He takes two plasters out and places one over the right hand side vagina and the other over the left hand sided vagina.

The young girl asks the doctor "will this cure me doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, but it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre".

[seesaw]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[hoonkeetan]

Vaseline usage

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

[hoonkeetan]

The sign language

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

[hoonkeetan]

Adult Sex

An elderly couple was celebrating their golden anniversary and was out having a few drinks together.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you for the first time.'

'Oh yes,' she says, ' I remember it well.'

'Ok,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil! That sounds like a crazy but fun idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, 'This I've got to see! These two old-timers having sex against a fence! I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious, violent sex that the policeman could ever imagine. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming, the old lady's fingers clawing, scratching the old guy's back. Finally, they both collapse, gasping, panting and trembling on the ground.

'Jesus,' thinks the amazed cop. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'This is truly amazing! I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, the old lady with a glazed happy look, and the old man wheezing and struggling to walk, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man's hoarse whisper barely able to be heard replies, 'Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric.'

[hoonkeetan]

Young at Heart

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

[hoonkeetan]

Measuring Happines

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!" To prove this he glanced at the audience.

And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex?" he asked.

"Once a month." the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a week. " the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"

"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered.
"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air.

Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very happy man?"

"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.

The man answered "Once a year...."

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT? Then why are you so happy??"

The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT`S TONIGHT... IT`S TONIGHT!!"

[hoonkeetan]

The New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[hoonkeetan]

Sex related accident

This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I - beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.

While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and
the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.

The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.

"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.

"Sex related? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.

"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker go???'"