Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[hoonkeetan]

Coffee Trouble

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

[hoonkeetan]

The Communication Gap

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes...... speaking"

Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company , "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[hoonkeetan]

On Heaven's Door

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[orang_jawa]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?", she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry," I replied, "and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

[seesaw]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

[seesaw]

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head stuck.

The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other: "This is too good to pass up."

He gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts screwing the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it.

His partner replied "Hell yes, that looks pretty good." He climbs down off his horse, drops his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and his girl were walking along A trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of The animals were behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, Why is that rabbit on top that other one ?" she Asked.

Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer, And replied, "They're making cigarettes."

"Cigarettes ?" she exclaimed, as they continue Walking along. Pretty soon, they approached A couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, "Are they Making cigarettes too ?"


"Yes ," says Little Johnny.

Suzy looked around and said, "It looks like all the Animals are making cigarettes, why do not we Make cigarettes ?" Little Johnny was quick to say, "OK !"

An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were Walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make ?"

Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, And then replied, "Well , if you get a hump in your Belly it's a Camel , and if you don't it was a Lucky Strike."

[bigbirdbird]

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. He saw me in the dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE: Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE: Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too. Not in cage but outside, laughing at you AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor.....

"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free….

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot Forever…

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day…

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you ....

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are…
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me ...

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...! and life goes on....

[bigbirdbird]

Q. What is an Australian kiss ?
A. It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."


Q. What do you do with 365 used condoms ?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a good year.


Q. Why were hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go , they take your house and car with them.

Q. Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning ?
A. Because they don't have any balls to scratch.


Q. What is a man's ultimate embarrassment ?
A. Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[bigbirdbird]

An Aussie went into an empty bar in New Zealand and ordered a beer. As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there are initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks, stretch them as far as they can and mark a line."

Our Aussie hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he can beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go. "Sure," was the reply.

As he pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3". He started to mark his line down when the bartender said, "No mate, us Kiwis start from the other side!"

[bigbirdbird]

A wife asked her husband to describe her .....

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She said: "Oh, that's so lovely. What about -- I, J, K?"


He said: I'm Just Kidding.....!!!


Room 612 at General Hospital if you want to visit him.

[bigbirdbird]

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the
end she said, "'And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs.'

Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!" Jeff replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head between my legs."

Eunice looked wide-eyed at her boy friend, and asked, "if my head were between your legs, where could you put your head?" "My love," replied Jeff, "if you've got your head between my legs, I won't give a damn where my head is!"

[bigbirdbird]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "Out of all your friends,

you have the biggest dick."

[bigbirdbird]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

(You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead I always wanted a police dog."

[hoonkeetan]

A shooting Accident

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."