Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Waukee]

What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net profits!

What do you get if you cross a salmon, a bird's leg and a hand?
Birdsthigh fish fingers!

What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster! (Try saying that fast!)

What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish!

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend?
'Your plaice or mine'!

Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the 'Kelp-wanted' adds!

Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric 'eels!

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

To whom do fish go to borrow money?
The loan shark!

[Waukee]

Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!

What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!

[Waukee]

What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!

What insect runs away from everything?
A flee!

What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!

What to you call a Russian flea?
A Moscow-ito!

Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?
" said one Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader!

What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!

How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!

How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!

What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!

[Waukee]

What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!

Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!

What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!

What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!

How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!

What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!

[newbie2011]

this is an great thread.
most of the jokes here are very good.
thank you.

[splicer]

The old couple had been married for 50 years. The wife wanted to do something special for the occasion so she suggested that they spend their anniversary at the same hotel that they honeymooned in 50 years earlier.

They checked in to the hotel and when they got to the room, the old man went straight over to the bed, sat down and started crying. When the wife asked him what was the matter, he said: "It's my turn to cry because it's too big.."

[splicer]

One day my son was baby-sitting his girlfriend’s daughter, he asked the girl what she wants for dinner. She said she wants pizza. He said that’s ok but he doesn't have any money to buy pizza, the little girl asked how much the pizza cost. He told her $50.00, the girl asked my son what is $50.00. He said: “Five and an O”.

So the little girl went to her bedroom and came back with a sad face and a $5 on her hand, she said: “Well, I guess we can’t have pizza tonight. I thought I had $50.00, but I have only a five but don’t have any O’s .

[splicer]

While his wife was on a business trip, Rick decided to go up to a friends cabin to hang out with a few of his buddies for about a week. When he arrived at the cabin, he noticed that his 4 buddies were already there.

This was the first time he had visited his friend's cabin, and he thought to himself how nice the scenery was. After settling in for a couple hours, one of Rick's buddies came up to him and asked: "See that barrel over there?" as he pointed to a fairly large barrel in a secluded area of the cabin. "If you place your thing in the hole on the side of the barrel, you will have the best orgasm in your entire life." Though Rick was optimistic, he felt that there was no way to refuse this offer if it was true, so he decided to give it a try.

45 minutes later he returned to his buddy and exclaimed: "Wow! You were right! That was the best orgasm I've ever had. I can't believe it! I can't wait to try it again tomorrow!"

His friend then states: "I'm afraid that's not possible, Rick." Rick, puzzled, asks: "Why not? That was amazing!" His buddy then states: "Because it's your turn to be in the barrel."

[albert05]

WET PANTS



Come with me to a third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.'

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!'

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!'

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'

[albert05]

Senior Citizens Bus Trip



A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"

[albert05]

Wait' for me




John walked into class every morning with a black eye . After a while his
teacher got worried and asked him about it.

John answer was:
"Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mother and my
father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'John are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and
he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye.

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep
dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the
teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But
The day after that Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again."My
goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'John are you sleeping?... And I
shut up and kept dead still. Then my father
And my mother started moving {you know} at the same time Mom was breathing
erratically, kicking her legs up frantically
And squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...

Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you cuming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes
I'm cuming, are you cuming too?' and my
Dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said
'Wait' for me!!!!!!!

[newbie2011]

A man was in the kitchen making a lot of noise! His wife comes in and asks why he was making so much noise? The man replies: "I am killing flies." A short time later his wife came back and he was still making lots of noise!

She asks: "Well, Mr.Big Shot, how many flies have you killed?" He says: "I have killed seven flies! 4 males and 3 females." She says: "Right, how can you tell the sex of flies?" He says: "Very easy: the 4 flies in my right hand are males. When I killed them, they were all on bear cans!" Then she asks: "If you are so smart, how can you tell the sex of the females?" He says: "The three in my left hand, they were all on the phone!!!"

[newbie2011]

A farmer knocked on the door of a neighboring farmhouse and a youngster answered his knock. The farmer asked: "Is your father or mother at home?" The child said that they were both in town.

The farmer then asked if his brother, Harold, was at home. The youngster said he was at the other farm doing chores.

The youngster said: "I'm nine years old, sir, and I know where all the tools and wrenches are located, so I can get that for you."

The farmer said he had a problem he had to talk to his father about. The farmer's daughter was pregnant, and his brother, Harold, was the father.The youngster looked the man in the eye for a minute and said: "I don't know what to tell you, mister, Dad gets $50.00 for the boar, $500.00 for the bull, but I'm not sure what he charges for Harold."

[Evil33]

Outrageous Flirting Lines

You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
At last! I finally found the perfect girl!
A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.
Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If I follow you home, will you keep me?
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If love is the answer...can you repeat the question?
I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.
I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?
But you're so *cute* when you blush!
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
Please be patient--this is my first time.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.
Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.
A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
I only like two kinds of girls--domestic and imported.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!
I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.
Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?
Be good and you'll be lonely.
The best things in life are ME!
I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
I used to be a terrible flirt. I'm much better at it now.
I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.
Clothes aren't sexy. Women are.
I can't whistle at my girlfriend...she leaves me breathless!
Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
I feel great! And I don't kiss badly either!
BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

[Evil33]

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!