Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

A man was married a beautiful girl. He wanted to be with her every night. But the wife answered: "Sorry. I am tired. Tomorrow." "O.K sweety", and went to sleep.

One day, the man was tired of that story, so he told his wife, please dress with a short skirt and a sexy blouse. We will go to the zoo. The wife curious but follow her husband.

At the zoo, they went to see a gorilla. The husband told her: "Please show your legs. O.k. show your beautiful breast." The gorilla was very enthusiastic and become furious braking the cage. The wife asked the husband: "What I will do now?" The husband answered: "Tell him that you are tired, that tomorrow will be a better day!"

[Cum_Luver]

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol. The police asked the man to produce his car document. When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realise that you committed a criminal offence by driving alone in this car at late night?" The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car." The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car?I charge you for overloading!"

[Cum_Luver]

A Scotsman was dating a pretty woman and decided to buy her some cloth for her birthday, so she could make herself a pretty dress. After buying the cloth, he decided to buy some of the same material for himself and had a pair of underpants made from it.

On the day of her birthday, he puts on his kilt but forgets to put on the underpants. When he got to his girlfriend's home, he tells her he is going to give her a hint as to what her birthday present is.

With that being said, he then said: "Look close." And did a pirouette in front of her. He then said: "Aye lass. Did ye see that?" "No", she said, "I did not see." So he does another pirouette, only bigger. He then said, "And now, lass. Did ye see that?" "Aye", she said. "I saw." To which he replied: "Aye lass, I'm giving you three yards of that for your birthday."

[Hosida]

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing Johnny?"

The little boy answered, "I’m doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[Hosida]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer.

She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said: ’Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’"

[Hosida]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Little Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned."

[magixskin]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[magixskin]

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and rambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

[magixskin]

A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

[magixskin]

An Israeli doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

[magixskin]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.

[Hosida]

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli General, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.

The General told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants."

The General continued, "When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"

[Hosida]

It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.

"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."

"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."

"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."

"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."

"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."

"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"

[Hosida]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[magixskin]

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.