Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Pick up Lines:

Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.

You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?

Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you?

The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.

I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment.

I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!

That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

[seesaw]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

"That’s correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It’s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

[seesaw]

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied. "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm..... Perhaps you should remain standing."

[Hosida]

This guy goes into a whore house and says he wants the best blowjob he can get for $100.

The madam says go to the room take off all your clothes and we will be with you as soon as possible.

So he goes to the room and takes off all of his clothes and a few minutes later a fine hooker comes in the room.

She gives him a blowjob and he busts a nut and then she reaches under the bed and pulls out a jar and spits in it.

He says will you do that again if I give you another $100.

She says sure. He gives her another $100 and she gives him another blowjob and he busts even a bigger nut this time.

She pulls out the jar again and spits in it. He asks what the jar was for and she says "I have a bet with the girl across the hall whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both".

[Hosida]

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the banks internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes Scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we’ll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, Uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

[Hosida]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.

Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're
right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

[A Simple Man]

A man was married a beautiful girl. He wanted to be with her every night. But the wife answered: "Sorry. I am tired. Tomorrow." "O.K sweety", and went to sleep.

One day, the man was tired of that story, so he told his wife, please dress with a short skirt and a sexy blouse. We will go to the zoo. The wife curious but follow her husband.

At the zoo, they went to see a gorilla. The husband told her: "Please show your legs. O.k. show your beautiful breast." The gorilla was very enthusiastic and become furious braking the cage. The wife asked the husband: "What I will do now?" The husband answered: "Tell him that you are tired, that tomorrow will be a better day!"

[A Simple Man]

This blonde is on main street and she sees this t.v. in the window. So she walks in and says to the man at the counter, "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, we don't sale to blondes," replied the dude at the counter. The blonde left, a little sad and puzzled.

She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She went back to the store and says to the same man at the counter: "I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Sorry, still don't sale to blondes." The blonde was getting mad now. 'I'll fix him' she thought to herself.

So she goes home and dyes her hair black this time. "Alright, I'd like to buy the t.v. in the window, please." "Look, lady, we don't sale to blondes." The blonde stood there for a minute. "How do you keep knowing it was me?" "I know it's you because that in the window is a microwave."

[A Simple Man]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said: "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

[magixskin]

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike a right note: romatic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the salesgirl mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose this because I noticed you are not in the habbit of wearing any when we are out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a dedicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[magixskin]

3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army's supply base to collect their underwears. Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.

Sergeant: Hey Ah Beng ! How many underwears you need ah ?
Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen (sergeant) !
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many ?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, & Sun. One day one.

Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat ! How many underwears ?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen !
Sergeant: (curious) How come six ?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat, & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.

Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei tambi. How many underwears dah dei ?
Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sargen !!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) What the fcuk you need so many for ?
Tambhi: January, February, March...................One month one.

[Cum_Luver]

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol. The police asked the man to produce his car document. When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realise that you committed a criminal offence by driving alone in this car at late night?" The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car." The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car?I charge you for overloading!"

[Cum_Luver]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Cum_Luver]

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal. The doctor says, " Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Gary replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary 's wife. "Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?" "OH MY!" Marianne exclaims.!!!!" "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?
A: Riding a bicycle: you fix your ass & move your legs,
Riding a woman: you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... Forward... Backward... Forward... Backward..... Forward... Stop & Eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary,Both come once a month. Lasts about 5-7 days. If it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea-bag.


* 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
B eautiful,
R esponsible
E nergetic
A dorable
S weet
T ruthful and
S elf-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T. S.

Q: Who is a gynaecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place,where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, Then, it is biology. When the baby looks like neighbour, Then, it is sociology.

Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie.
In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt.
Guess where it would have bitten?
The boy's hand...

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.
Tarzan removed his clothes.
All the animals laughed.
Tarzan asked,
"Why"?
The animals told him....
"Your tail is in the front."


Last but not least
Secret of long life...

Morning two eggs,
Evening two pegs...
Night between two legs!!!