Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

A drunken man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!"

[magixskin]

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks,
return from their honeymoon to face
the beginning of their new lives.

The next morning, the husband wakes up, showers,
dresses, and make way to the kitchen where he
sees his wife crying. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you
with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles and says, "There, there sweetie!
I don't care if can't cook or clean. Come on up to
the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the badroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch
to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen
"What's wrong now, sweetie?"

"Well, the the same thing as this morning. I came in here
to make something for lunch, but i just can,t cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you
come back up the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening, the new husband arrives home, walks into
the house, and sees his naked bride sliding down the
banister of the stairs. Up she runs and whoosh down the banister.

After the third trip, the husband asks, "What the heck are
you doing, dear?"

"Warming up your dinner!" she replies.

[bakylotus]

Mr. Wong, originally from Hong Kong owns a chinese restaurant
in the Greek area of New York. With very little education but
possessing excellent cooking skills he learned from young, he
now helms a very successful asian eatery in the State.


Many of his Greek customers, knowing of his pidgin English would
make fun of him when they enter his restaurant by teasing him, 'Mitter
Wong, wat u hap tolay?' And Mr. Wong, as usual in his pidgin English
would reply 'Flied Lice, Flied Lice'. And the Greeks would just roar with
laughter at his use of the English language.


Mr. Wong has a son, whom he sent to be educated at Harvard and
Princeton and when Wong Junior saw what was happening to his father
being laughed at by the Greek customers, he told his father, 'Dad, you
are in America now, you must learn to speak proper English, so from
tonight I am going to teach you proper pronunciation'. So when they got
home after the restaurant closed, he taught Daddy to pronounce 'Fried
Rice, Fried Rice'.


The next day as usual, when he open his restaurant, the Greeks would
come in and again and continue making fun of him by asking. 'Mitter Wong,
what you hap tolay?' This time, Mr. Wong, looking at the Greeks in the
eye, chest out and proudly replied, 'Fried Rice, you glick plick!'.

[Pankunchi]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Pankunchi]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

[Pankunchi]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Pankunchi]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[magixskin]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tape
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm, The wife turns
over and says : "I'm sorry honey, I've got gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rools back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear : "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Happycat]

Thank you for all the wonderful jokes.

[Pankunchi]

A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down. As he gets out to find a phone, it starts to rain. About a mile down the road he sees a farm house with the door half open and he goes in.

To his right there's a woman sitting by an open window pulling on her breasts and pointing out of the window. To his left a man sits in the corner holding an umbrella and a condom.

The man leaves thinking they're both crazy. At the next farm house the lady of the house lets him in and he tells what he saw. The lady of the house says: "Don't worry, they're not crazy, neither one can talk, so she was saying 'go milk the cow' and he was saying 'f*ck you, it's raining outside!"

[Pankunchi]

One night my friends asked me to out with them. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m.(a bit loaded) I headed home.

Just as I walked in the door the cookoo clock chimmed 3 times. Afraid that my wife would wake up I quickly cucooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with a quick witted solution.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I had got in. I said: "MIDNIGHT, Like I Said!" She seemed fine with my answer, so I thought that I had gotten away with it. Then my wife promptly told me that we needed to get a new cuckoo clock, I asked why and she said: "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, said oh crap, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[Pankunchi]

Once there was a guy named Fred who was in the bathroom. He was sitting there doing his buisiness when some guy goes in the stall next to him.

All of a sudden he says: "Hi, sweetie. How was your day?" Fred was a little weirded out but, being polite, says: "Good." Then he said: "Is everything going alright?" "Um, yea", said Fred, now very uncomfortable. The man next to him then said: "Can I come over?" "No." Fred was just trying to get out of the bathroom. "Why?" the man asked. "Because well, you.." Fred hastened to finish.

Then the guy said, irritated: "Honey I have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions!"

[Pankunchi]

One day God was out inspecting Heaven, when he noticed a tree in Hell had fallen over and damaged the fence seperating Heaven and Hell. He called over to Satan: "Hey Satan remove that tree and get the fence fixed, or else." Satan says: "Or else what?" God says: "I'll sue, I have the finest attorneys in the history." Then Satan says: "Yeah, but I have all the judges."

[Pankunchi]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[magixskin]

Norman is sitting at the bar jerking his dick.
The bartender says, "Look, Norman, you've to get out of here."
The drunk Norman says, "Are you kidding?" I can't leave,
I can't walk, I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fcuking.