Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you’re not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[beary]

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special.

At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it... When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

[beary]

If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease

If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

[beary]

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife......barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him
"In Dear?"...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matter male or female, sometimes even with camel !"

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes you have
to be satisfied with self-service"

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo..
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.


(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly. "

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten everything.

[beary]

I: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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I: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy..
---------------------------------------------


I: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for

breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------


I: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
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I: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[beary]

Some facts about Men
What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are…

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
Hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????…..

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: I) no mind ii) no business
Q : Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn’t ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink…
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift?
A: Exchange him!!

[nightsmith]

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,

"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy!?"
He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."
She insistantly says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."
At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"

[Sudden Death]

3 Pigs
There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

[Sudden Death]

The Bear and Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

[Sudden Death]

Who Needs A Porsche
There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.

"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."


So the mouse ran back to town and got her porsche.

When she arrived back at the hole she backed the porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.

"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as she put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.

"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.

"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"

The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked her into the hole.

"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your porsche!"

"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your dick down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his dick into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.

Once she was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

And the moral of the story is... ?

"If you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche!"

[Sudden Death]

Three Dogs Talk
Three dogs are in the waiting room of a vets office. The first dog asked the second dog "What are you here for?"

"I crap and pee all over the house so I'm going to be put to sleep. What are you here for?" the second dog asked.

"Whenever my master is gone, I tear the house apart. I bite
and chew on everything. I'm going to be put to sleep, too" replied the first dog.

The first two dogs look to the third dog and ask "What are you here for?"

"Well, one day my mistress was bent over vacuuming the floor and I just couldn't help myself and I humped her." said the third dog.

"They're going to put you to sleep for that!?" exclaimed the first two dogs.

"No! I'm just here to get my nails clipped."

[Sudden Death]

The Zebra
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a cow" said the cow.

"Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make milk for the farmer" said the cow.

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.

"I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken.

"Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas darling, and I'll show you.

[Sudden Death]

The Two Gophers
Two gophers were on one side of the street, but they were wondering what it was like across the street.

So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

Once he gets to the other side of the street, he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel just as a a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.

The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

He says "All I know is it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.

[Sudden Death]

The Parrot With No Legs
A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.

He went to the local pet store and the clerk said we only have one Parrot that can talk real good, but he is sort of handicapped. The husband asked, "what's wrong with him?" The clerk then told the man that the bird was born with no legs, so he holds himself up on the Perch by wrapping his long dick around it. The man agreed to buy the Parrot anyway.

Once the man arrived home, he put the Parrot in the bedroom closet and instructed the Parrot on what to do. Leaving the closet door partially open for the Parrot to see the bedroom, the man then left for work.

Arriving home the next morning the man noticed his wife had already left for work. He quickely went inside and began asking the Parrot, "what have you seen?" The Parrot replied "You are right, your wife is cheating on you!" "Go on", said the man. "About a half an hour after you left, your wife came into the bedroom with another man! " said the Parrot. "Go on", said the man. "Then they took off all of their clothes and got onto the bed!" "Go on,"said the man. "Then that guy started kissing your wife and sucking on her tits!" said the Parrot. "Then what happend?",asked the man. "Then that guy put his head between her legs and started licking her puss!", said the Parrot. "Then what?" ,asked the man. "I dont know", said the Parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off the Perch!!"

[Sudden Death]

Smart Monkey
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the olive bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The bartender cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What?" says the man.

The bartender says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole"

"Well, I'm not suprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave"

Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his butt then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the bartender cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"What, What did he do this time?"

The bartender replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his butt, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!"

The man say's "Well, I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"