Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Sudden Death]

Why Cats Are Better Than Men


A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to
pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a
party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

[Sudden Death]

Who Runs the Human Body?


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and
circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste
away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and
give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a
terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an
asshole.

[Sudden Death]

Which of my Friends


The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his
wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down
the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

[Sudden Death]

Where have you been?


Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he
walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a
nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They
have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up
in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got
any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he
proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went
to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the
bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in
bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands
are covered with powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!"

[Sudden Death]

what She Really Means...


I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of
PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new
furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going
to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

[Sudden Death]

Walking Along the Beach in France


A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many
beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But
try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested.
Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the
beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem
to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What
do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk
up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys
a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't
been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and
down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and
down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at
him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the
Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

[Sudden Death]

Viagra Coffee


This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked
out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said,
"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I
can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when
he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the
Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the
coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor
asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up
and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love
on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Sudden Death]

Up Penny Lane


One day, a teacher in a high school class was administering a test,
and she noticed that four pupils were missing.
The first one came in.
"Why are you so late?" the teacher said to him.
"Sorry, miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the second pupil came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Then the third one came in.
"Why are you so late?" she said to him.
"Sorry miss," he said. "I've been up Penny Lane."
She told him to go sit down.
Finally, the fourth pupil, a girl, came in.
"I suppose you've been up Penny Lane, too, then?"
"No, miss," she said to the teacher. "I am Penny Lane"

[Sudden Death]

Unfaithful Wives


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under
our bed."

[beary]

Blow Jobs - A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

[beary]

Q: Why don't homosexuals like chess?
A: Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.

****************

A Man shouts to his wife, come here and look at my clock.

She walks in to find him naked with a hard on.

She says that's not a clock

He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it..



****************
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite neat
'Til I noticed the fleas
And immediately lost my erection.

[beary]

One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father went to look at some puppies. When he came home, he ran up to his mom and informed her that there were four puppies. Three were boys and one was a girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the boys were black."

"Yes, dear, but how did the colour tell you if they were male or female?" asked his mother.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The colour doesn't tell you, silly, the black ones all had cocks."

[beary]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but
I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear
grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his
cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water,
The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!

[beary]

Request By The Penis

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following
reasons:

has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional
sickness.

IIIII

Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
sometimes leaves work, too early.

[ah_est]

some really make me laugh!!